Adventures in parenting

I sit here sipping chai while the kids play at an indoor savior, I mean playplace. My sweet boys certainly have a lot of energy. They are fearless, and need physical outlets. We got to play outside in the snow today, which they just loved. D and I loved it too.

To be honest here, some days have been really hard. Big J has had some pretty decent tantrums and Little J is a mini hurricane. On Christmas Eve, I almost cried. I thought of how long we had wanted this, what we put into getting is. I felt like I didn't have a right to complain, and should just be grateful. I think ithers who have adopted or had IF or both have thought this too. Isn't this what I asked for?I have learned I still have selfish tendencies. I need me time. Sometimes I want to pee or shower without a toddler asking what I am doing. Or not watch the same kid's movie for the millionth time when we have a huge library of DVD's.

It has been an adjustment for all of us. But the boys are really amazing kids. Big J now says dude all the time thanks to me calling him "my little dude." And maybe it was in Nemo. He also says "Awkward" which he learned from Spiderman. I can't wait until he uses it in the perfect situation. He will also say out of the blue "I like you." And we say, "We like you too. And we love you. Someday he will say it back.

I try to explain adoption to Big J the best I can. That he has two mommies, and one he was in her belly but she couldn't take care of him. Now his mommy and daddy will take care of him forever. We have read this book a couple times (purchased by friends Mary and Jill):

I think it is starting to sink in.

I must post this adorable picture of the two boys and our kitty watching daddy shovel:

The good, the bad, and the really really cute

It is day 7, and we all survived. Exhausted, but survived. The week has been full of great moments, frustrating moments, and adorable, melt-your heart moments.

Things I have learned:

1) Always bring extra clothes.
2) Indoor playplaces are your friend.
3) Adult's drinks should have lids too.
4) Alone time is mandatory.
5) Kid's shows and movies are pretty funny.

We have had some pretty tough temper tantrums by Big J. Usually prompted by little J taking something from him, or us doing something mean like making hom wear a coat or wash his hands. Sometimes it takes him a really long time to calm down. We hope these will decrease once he learns more coping skills, and learns tantrums are not effective.

We have also seen regressive behavior in in Big J. He talks baby talk, wants us to dress him and wipe him. Then at times he will insist on doing it himself. This is normal preschool behavior, especially for foster and adoption.

We have had some really nice moments that make it all worth it. Big J tries to make Little J laugh. Little J likes to say "up@ and get picked up. Big J has said out of the blue "I like you." And we overheard him saying to another child at a playplace, "I have a new house ya know. You can come. And my mommy and daddy are very nice."

It is awesome to see their faces get so excited. We made a video on portable north pole from Santa, and Big Jwas in awe. And Little J lost it when he saw Thomas on our big screen.

Just one more week of D being home with me, and then I am on my own. Agghhh!

Our First Night as a Family

I wanted to squeeze in this blog post while the little guy is napping.  We had our first night as a family, and I never want to forget this feeling.  We had to pick up the boys around 11 am, and go to their foster home.  Big J's foster mom was sobbing and taking it really hard.  Big J was going back and forth between I want to stay with "Grandma" and I want to go with "New Mommy and Daddy." The social worker was there, and the foster family had a lot of family members there that wanted to say bye to him.  They were trying to hug him, and he was yelling "Shut Up".  I think it was overwhelming for him, and looking back they maybe shouldn't have had so many people there. He got in the car holding his Daddy's hand, and we left to go get this little bro.

The pick-up for Little J was a little smoother.  Apparently he had been asking for "Dada" all morning.  When we walked in, he ran right up to D! His foster mother was teary, but holding it together.  She said she knew this day would come, but she doesn't think she can take babies anymore.  We loaded up the car for the 2 hr drive home.

Little J napped in the car, but big J did not.  He was a little whiny.  The Nook color has been a lifesaver for the car.  He picked up on how to use it really fast.

We made it home, and the home turned into a toy zone really fast.  The night went well, and it felt good to be a family.  Big J was a little whiny and is definitely a fussy eater.  We will also have to teach sharing a little better.  There is no way they can have separate toys in a house of two boys.  I loved seeing them together, just being normal brothers playing. And fighting.  Big J can be very sweet, and will sometimes (I repeat sometimes) share with him and comfort him if he cries. Before this, their interactions were at supervised visits with their mother in a visitation center or DCF office.  It makes me sad they never lived together, and even played at each other's foster home like normal kids.

I love seeing them with D.  These boys needed a Daddy.  Little J is his little shadow. And Big J loves to find out what he's doing.  There is nothing like seeing your husband be a father. 

I love taking care of them.  I love changing them, helping them when they are sad, cooking for them. We may be in for a hard road once the honeymoon wears off, but for now I am just soaking it in and enjoying it.

We actually had a power outage last night.  Luckily Little J was already sleep.  The power was out for about an hour. We got out the flashlights, read books, and played with the Nook.  J was a little scared, but grabbed his pirate sword and said he would "keep me safe from the monsters." We promised every night would not be like this.

It is another crappy day here, so after lunch we will head to an indoor play place.

So Much Has Happened

Hopefully I won't neglect our children the way I have this blog.  So much has happened.  Eeek!
Here's a quick recap:

Friday, Nov 30th: We got official approval.  And a date.  I was in a training at the time, and could not contain my excitement.

Saturday, December 1st: Our shower.  It was amazing, and glad we did not cancel or postpone it.

Sunday December 2nd: Our second visit with the boys

Wednesday December 5th: Our first family outing to McDonald's and the playground. Jesse called us both Mommy and Daddy.  We melted.

The rest of the week: I shopped like a maniac.  We finished the rooms and gathered necessities. 

Saturday December 8th: Our first overnight! It was amazing.  They seem really comfortable in our home. Big J only asked for his Nana twice.  Little J refused to nap, but we chalked it up to too much excitement.  We had to take them back to their foster homes, but we get to visit them on Wednesday again. Big J calls Little J "my baby" all the time, which I think is adorable.
"Where's my baby?"   "Why is my baby not sleeping?"    "Can my baby come?"

I think D is starting to learn we will have a messy house.

Long 2 Weeks

This has been a long two weeks.  2 weeks ago, I got the call. We needed to wait.  No visiting, no approval.  Just more waiting.  I have talked to everyone under the sun that could offer guidance.  I called Central Office.  Was told pretty much, "don't call us.  We will call you."  I am trying to stay positive, but with each day am becoming more and more impatient and more and more resentful of this agency I work for. My life is in their hands.  These boys' lives, like so many many other children across the state, are in their hands.

I relate much of my life to movie quotes.  One of my faves is When Harry Met Sally. Aside from the fabulous fake orgasm scene is a great line by Billy Crystal --"When you decide who you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

We have met our boys and we fell for them. And we want the rest of our life to start as soon as possible.

Extended Family and Friends

We are trying to prepare as best as possible for the boys, and make it as smooth of a transition as it can be.  We have read a great deal on the subject of attachment.  This is especially important to children coming from foster care.  I will be taking a 2.5 month maternity leave, and D will take 2 weeks. Part of the process is also explaining how things will go with extended family.  It is important that they attach to us first, and extended family and friends will come later.

This is a modified version of an e-mail I sent out:

1) For the 1st 1 or 2 months, D and I need to be the only ones to take care of the boys.  This means feeding, changing, comforting them, picking them up.  They need to attach to us. Of course it is ok to talk with them, play with them, or hug them.  We also aren't supposed to use a sitter for the 1st month. Please don't be offended if you ask to come over or invite us over and we say no (But still ask). We have been told to "build a cocoon around our house."

2) For the first month or so, visits will need to be short.  And we will need to limit it to 2 - 3 people at a time.

3) I can't put their pictures on Facebook right away.  This is for confidentiality purposes.  This will be tough, because I know I want to show them off and you will too.  I will probably create a password protected site on Shutterfly or something I can update and share with you.

4) Please do not share their birth history, foster care history etc. with everyone.  They do not need to know.  In the same respect, please do not speak negatively about their birth parents. They will pick up on this.

5) Keep in mind they will probably miss their foster parents a lot.  They may ask for them.  This may be a tough transition.  They also may have picked up some difficult behaviors.  These were for survival and coping and served a purpose at one time.

Thank you for reading and keeping these in mind.

I got a positive response from sending this out, and people seem to be understanding.  I was worried it was come across as stand-offish, or condescending.   

We've hit a speed bump

If you recall from my last post, D & I were on cloud nine after meeting our boys last weekend.  We instantly fell for them and could not wait to see them again.  We scheduled two times this week to see them again, and I planned on getting my visitation schedule approved and maternity leave.  Tuesday morning, I get a call from my social worker.  Apparently, we were supposed to have requested prior approval before holding a disclosure meeting and first meeting.   Central Office in Boston needs to approve the match to ensure there is no conflict of interest or I did not going about finding J & J in an unethical way.

To give a little background, it used to be not so difficult for DCF social workers to adopt.  The story goes that someone or many someone's complained that DCF workers were "cherry-picking" babies.  There is even a myth out there that social workers were removing children just so that they or their friends could adopt them.  This sounds a little absurd to me. Trust me, removing children is the last thing we want to do.  I think there should not be any barriers to a child going to a safe permanent home.  The social worker for the children should get to choose from the best possible pool of applicants.  Maybe that happens to be a social worker, or maybe not.

Needless to say, we were devastated.  We were so looking forward to seeing them again.  My main worry was that we told four-year-old J that we were coming back.  It saddened me to think that he might think we weren't coming because we didn't like him or want him. I called the foster parents, and they assured me the children don't really understand anyway, and especially time and days of the week.

We finally felt like there was progress, and then our hopes were sunk.  My social worker assures me this will be approved, it is just a matter of when.  They are not going to find a conflict of interest.  I am really hoping it will still be before Christmas.  I am hoping we may even be able to keep our date of 12/12/12.

In the meantime, we are still plugging along trying to get things ready.  I had the car seats installed at the police station.  The grandmothers are throwing together a shower.  And we finally got the crib together for little J. (Okay, D and father-in-law put it together after much swearing).

Please hope and pray that we will get the go ahead this week to resume visitation and set an official date! I am hoping that whoever the higher-up is up in Boston will be in the Christmas spirit, and want these boys placed together in a forever home before the Holidays.

D and I both took a couple days to get over the anger and sadness.  We are now trying to see this as a little speed bump.  They are still our boys.  And they will be home with us.  I found it fitting that my favorite non-profit Rise Above displayed this quotation on their FB page today:

 “Even if things don't unfold the way you expected, don't be disheartened or give up. One who continues to advance will win in the end.”- Daisaku Ikeda

11/11 We met our sons!

WE MET OUR SONS yesterday! I wish I could share their pictures, because they are both so sweet and handsome. For confidentiality, I can not. But let me tell you about the visit.  Both boys are in separate foster homes, about a half mile from each other. We saw Big "J" first, who is 4.  He saw us at the door, and ran to his foster mother "Nana"  yelling "They're here!!!!!" He is a handsome boy, with blonde hair and hazel eyes.  Gorgeous smile.  He was shy for about 5 minutes.  We gave him a bag with a couple gifts.  One was a Batman busy book, which was a book with toys in the back.  We also gave him a Spiderman coloring book and stickers.

He played well with us on the floor.  I was told his speech could be hard to understand.  I only had to ask him to repeat one thing, I could understand him perfectly.  He was easily distracted and wanted to do a million things. But I melted when he grabbed my hand to show me a big truck.  I asked him how he wanted his room decorated, and he said "Trucks." Trucks, it is.  For you, the world.  And he played with my Iphone like he owned it, and liked looking at pictures.

We then had to get going, to see his little brother J.  I asked if I could give him a hug, and he hugged me without hesitation. We then drove the 1/2 mile to Little J's foster home. I was a little taken aback when I asked if they go to each other's houses, and they said no.  They only see each other when they have supervised visits with their mother.

Little J was such a ham.  He is twenty-two months old.  He loves to run around.  He really took to my husband D, and was just fascinated by him. He climbed on him, grabbed his face, and even kissed D on the mouth! D said to me, "I think I fell in love again!" He loved the book and bunny that we got him. He has a hysterical laugh.  He also loved getting his picture taken. His foster mother gave us some pictures of him.  I know she is going to be devastated when he leaves, because she has had him since he was 3 weeks old.  But I think it is time for them to be with a family and be together.

I will always remember our first visit and how we fell in love with them.  I can not wait to see them again on Wednesday!

Nothing But Good News

The big news: We get to meet our boys on Sunday!
More Big News: We have a potential placement date of December 12th! The boys will be home with us in just over a month!

D and I had way too much fun at Babies/Toys R Us today.  We got them each a gift.  We found out little J likes Toy Story, and Big J likes Spiderman.  I can't wait to find out more about what they like.  D was too cute at the toy store.  His eyes would light up when he saw toys he remembered from his childhood.  He would say "I hope they like The Hulk.  I hope they like Transformers."  Um, we are getting two boys.  Chances are, they will. 

We also got 2 car seats, which are a necessity.  Our next visit, we hope to take the boys on an outing.  Now, to research play areas and activities in that area for toddlers and preschoolers.

Quick Update

We had our first disclosure meeting yesterday. This meeting was about 2 boys, J & J.  We are very interested in the boys.  The disclosure meeting is when they are supposed to tell you everything about their history, any special needs, how they are doing now, etc.  Nothing scared us off.  I will say the social worker for the boys seemed a little scatterbrained.  But, I know what this job does to people so I will give her a pass for now.
      They want an answer by next Tuesday.  Agghhhh! I think we are going to say yes.  The process will probably take 5 - 6 weeks.  SO possibly by mid-December. Looks like we have a house full of boys! I see a lot of superheros, dirt, cars and trucks, and fart jokes in my future.  And couldn't be happier. This could be the best Christmas yet!
       Now to restrain myself from buying the whole Toys T Us catalog!

The start of two rooms

We have made some progress in the children's bedroom and what will be the playroom.  We are still keeping things pretty neutral, because I hope to have our child's input.  Well, if they are verbal.  Even toddlers have favorites. We are waiting on painting the bedroom until we know gender/theme.  We did buy some ocean blue paint.  I could easily make it purple if need be.

Here are some pics of the bedroom:

The toddler bed and Craigslist dresser. We will use the dresser as changing table if needed.

My former wardrobe we painted white.

Our bookcase. We are slowly building our collection!

 We also have a crib that can be converted into a toddler bed or full size bed.  We are waiting on putting it together until we know ages of the children.

This is the start of our downstairs playroom.  I wish I had a before picture.  It was our workout room, with dark gray walls.

We painted the walls a cantaloupe color.

Free cabinet we got from our neighbor's yard sale.  I hope to fill it with arts and craft supplies.

 Next the list: A rug and foam flooring.  This is what I have in mind:

Learning Carpets Fun at the Zoo

Imaginarium ABC Foam Blocks

Have I mentioned I can't wait to have this room filled with toys? The toys R Us Catalogis in my house right now.  Must. Show. Restraint.

"I Just Need Possible."

I am a sucker for movies made for tweens. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, 10 Things I Hate About You, Aquamarine.  Today, I got suckered in to watching Soul Surfer for probably the 5th time.  I find the movie so inspiring, with the perfect amount of cheesiness.  I can't wait until I have kids old enough to enjoy cheesy teen movies with me.   One line that resonates with me from the Soul Surfer Movie is:

"I don't need easy.  I just need possible."

Even though I had been warned, I have learned the hard way that adoption from foster care is not easy.  Even once the children are home with us, it will still not be easy.  I just need to know it is possible.  It is reassuring to me that a couple from our adoption class just brought home two wonderful, healthy boys yesterday! They are now a family.  I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a twinge of jealousy.  But I know that those were the children for them, and ours are out there somewhere.  Their recent adoption reminded me that it is possible.

What a difference a day makes!

In the immortal words of Ice Cube...today was a good day!  It seems that attending the adoption party was the best decision we ever made. We got FOUR adoption related calls today.  That's right, FOUR! Our adoption social worker said that people are "fighting" to get to us first.  We hope to have some meetings set up soon with social workers to get more information.  Our social worker said we are "first choice" among the children:

1 girl, almost 4 yo.  No known special needs, no legal risk
2 boys --- 1 two yo, 1 three month old.  HIGH legal risk.  No known special needs.
2 boys - 19 month old and 4 yo.  19 mo old has PT and some motor delays.  4 yo has speech delays but is making gains.  Born methadone addicted.  Low Legal risk. Social worker MAY want a SAHP.
20 month old girl and 3 yo boy: Both on the autism spectrum, girl is having seizures.  We said no to them. :(

There was a sibling group at the adoption party of 4 girls ages 3 - 9.  Part of me wishes we could adopt them.  My husband said, "Yeah right.  Maybe with your next husband." The thing with 4 girls - they will all be teenagers at the same time!

A social worker also e-mailed our SW to request we attend another adoption party in 2 weeks at a local office.  After feeling discouraged for a little while, I am now feeling really optimistic.  Maybe one of these cases is our children/child. Maybe not.  But I guess it is nice to feel "wanted." And a reminder that our children are out there.

I have an all day training tomorrow where they have a "no phone" policy.  I will be checking my phone on the sly like a madwoman!!

Our 1st Adoption Party

We survived our first adoption party today!  This event took place at an enormous furniture retailer (Jordan's for the New Englander's.)  Social workers brought waiting children for games and activities.  Children usually love this furniture store, because the decorations are made of candy.  There is ice cream at 9 am.  There is a trapeze and fountains. This is not your average furniture store. And they had activities like face painting, temp tattoos, and a photo booth.  We were able to meet adoption social workers and give out "fliers".  It feels kind of funny "selling" ourselves.  And it was kind of comical that we were discussing our criteria and talking with social workers while sitting at new dining room sets and mattresses.

The children at the party? Totally adorable! And it did not have the "exploitative" feel I feared it would.  Staff ensured that each child was visited by someone so no one was left out.

The children at this event were older than we were initially looking for. (Typically 7 - 13).  However, I think we are starting to consider being open to a slightly older child or children.  We were hoping for two children under 5, with ideally one of them being under 2.  As I have learned about all the hurdles and red tape, I am starting to considering broadening our criteria.  At the end of the day on Friday, we got a call about a 3.5 yo girl who is legally free for adoption.  Her adoption social worker is the same one who contacted us about the 1st sibling group we ended up saying no to.  I told her maybe, but we are now leaning to "yes." At least after getting a little more information.

I worry that I may feel like missing out on the baby experience. I certainly do not want to take out that need of mine on a vulnerable child.  Then I remind myself that 3 and 4 year olds are so fun and sweet.  There will be upsides to having a child who is verbal, possibly potty-trained, and may be a good sleeper.  (These are maybes.  Fingers crossed).  I will get to enjoy the maternity leave doing fun activities and getting them into a routine.  A 4 year-old can have a say in their room and playroom decor.  There is also the opportunity that we can adopt an infant or toddler later on, after things settle down and we have a little grasp on the whole parenting thing.

I was able to talk to the supervisor for the little girl.  She sounds like it could be a great match.  She is legally free for adoption, and her social worker really wants to find a home for her.  We are hoping to get more information and possibly a picture as soon as this week.

Now, how to stop myself from updating my phone every 3.5 seconds.....

One step forward, 2 steps back

I feel like the last 2 months have been a rollercoaster..  We get a call, we get excited. And then nothing.  We have been waiting on one particular sibling group since August.  I was told Friday officially we can't adopt them because a) there is someone else interested b) because of the office they are from, it would be a conflict.  We have been called a few other times, but told we can't be considered because of where I work.
I really want to do something about this, but don't know what.  Write a letter to our governor or senator? Our Commissioner? Arrange a sit-in Central Office (okay, I am kidding. Kind of).

We are trying to focus on the positive.  Our extra room in our finished basement is slowly becoming a playroom.  This used to be our workout room.  As we painted the formerly gray walls and sold our weight bench on Craigslist, I think my husband shed a tear.  But I can't wait to make this the funnest playroom ever! It is now a canteloupe orange. Now we just need some kids.

We have some events coming up that we are hoping will lead to something.  We are going to our first "Adoption Party" on Sunday.  We are hoping to go to a workshop and meet some social workers who may have waiting children for us.  The children at the party will likely be older, in the 7 - 12 age range.  Hmmm, I wonder if we will change our minds? We are also going to a "Match" meeting in 3 weeks at a nearby office.  I consider this to be like "show-and-tell" for hopeful parents and social workers.  Social workers bring profiles and pictures of children they have needing to be adopted, and we have a profile and can talk with social workers.  Children won't be at this event.  I am hoping something positive comes out of one of these events.  At least we are putting ourselves out there.

Also, I added a link for you to be a follower of my blog! Please follow and share with friends!

It has been a month since we first heard about the sibling group.  Alas, still no news.  It is frustrating that I was told that they have to look into other families first because "they can't make it look like they just gave them to us because I am a DCF worker."  Trust me, I haven't gotten any special treatment.  We also got a call about a 22 month old boy that needed placement.  We expressed interest.  However, once again I was told we can't take "immediate placements" because of where I work.  Central Office would never approve it in time.  A co-worker who adopted through DCF told me I could call the "ombudsman's" office.  This is someone who handles complaints.  I am almost there.  I feel like I need to tread carefully because a) This is where I work.  I kind of like getting a paycheck. and B) I have no problems with our social worker.  She has been wonderful.  I don't want to throw her under the bus, or get "black-listed" by other social workers for basically talking trash.
October 1st marked the 1 year anniversary of us starting the adoption process.  That is when I had to go through our Central Office for permission. While it is frustrating that we still don't have a child, I am trying to have some perspective.  I know some people wait far longer than that to even get pregnant.  And that a year is a drop in the bucket compared to infant adoption and International Adoption.  But I know and see every day that there are children in foster care that need to be adopted.  They are here and they are waiting.  I have seen all too well the effects of a child bounced around without a permanent home.  And we are here, willing to give a child or children a safe, loving home.  And the process just gets in the way.
On a positive note, D is on a staycation so I took a personal day.  Guess where we are going? Home Depot! Exciting, I know,.  We are going to get paint for the children's room and playroom, and for the furniture.  I am mostly excited that the room that is going to be the playroom is currently a dark gray color.  And has wrestling posters on the walls.  Yes, D picked it out.  I married a 10 year old. 

Book Review Plus Small Updates

    I finally found a positive book on adoption and attachment.  I recently finished "The Connected Child" by David Cross, Karyn Purvis, and Wendy Sunshine.
 Link to Barnes and Noble

This book is best suited for someone adopting a toddler, preschool, or even latency-age child.  The book uses practical tools and suggestions of discipline and promoting attachment, while reminding the reader of the perspective of an adopted child.  I did not find this book to be depressing or condescending.  While some of the advice may not be completely feasible 100% of the time, (such as when you toddler is having a meltdown at a grocery store) many of the tools are practical and real-world tested.
I downloaded the e-book, but may find a used copy or library copy so my husband will read it.  At just under 200 pages, it is a relatively quick read.  Some of the situations may make more sense to me when we have a child in our home.  We will have to remember that our children will likely have had a history of trauma, and may be untrusting of caretakers.  What works on other toddlers/children may not work on them.

As far as updates, nothing concrete on the two children we were called about.  We hope to find out more information this week.  The children's social worker was supposed to meet them last week, and get their picture and e-mail it to me.  I spent the day stalking my smartphone for an e-mail beep, text message, or phone call.  Alas, I got nothing.  I called my social worker when I couldn't handle it anymore, and found out the children's social worker had to cancel her home visit due to another case.  It may be two weeks before we know any more.  And that is not even about setting up a formal meeting or even visits.  It is frustrating, but I should know that that is how things work.
I am already talking about them as if they are my children.  I use their first names and talk about them when talking in the future.

Last week, I made a photobook about our family on shutterfly to give to the children or their social worker.  I made it generic, in case these particular children do not work out for us. I don't want to post pics for privacy reasons, but this is what I included:

Pictures of us
A picture of our house and yard
our pets
siblings and our parents
our interests with little photos (like beach, bikes, etc.)
I left some pages blank in the back, and wrote (your photos will go here) and one for random stickers.  What kid doesn't love stickers?

I put a Winnie-the Pooh quote and picture at the end: "Sometimes," said Pooh, "The smallest things take up the most room in your heart."

Emotionally hard week

I feel like the past week has been hard and painfully slow.  We received another call about two children - also 1 and 3.  We said we are interested, and are waiting for more information.  I find myself checking my e-mail and phone constantly.  When I get a call, I want to tell everyone because I am excited.  But then the process still moves at a snail's pace. 
Now that we are approved, it feels more real.  Our children have already been born.  They are waiting somewhere.  I hope that they are in a good place, but it is also sad to think they are attached to someone else.  They are growing up each day and I am missing it.  Each day that goes by without a call or some kind of step in the right direction is part of their childhood that we are not a part of.  It is almost harder now that two children have been idenitified.
I think these feelings are intensified by the fact that I work every day in protective services.  I see young children coming to our office everyday, and they are having supervised visits.  I wonder if they will be adopted by someone.  I hear parents complain about their children and berate them.  It makes me want a child even more, and to protect them.
I have also been more sensitive lately to people pulling the "You're not a parent" card.  Maybe I want to be, ok? I am working on it.  Just because I am not a parent yet, doesn't make me a total idiot or incapable of empathy.
I am really hoping for good news soon.  The anxiety is killing me.

Here's a Tom Petty Song for you:

The Waiting

Some updates

I am sad to say we have decided to say no the the two children we were called about.  I don't want to get into specifics, but I just felt their needs were something more than we were ready to take on at this point.  I feel sad about it.  They were really cute.  It was probably a good thing we didn't meet them. I may have wanted to take them home on the spot. I just don't think it was a match for us.  Like most things in life, I think it is important to go with your heart and your gut.
I think it's okay to not say "yes" to our 1st phone call.  But what if the next one or next two doesn't seem right? Will we be blacklisted?
We have already been called about a 1 and 3 year old.  That is all I know about them.  I was supposed to hear back today, but nothing.
Over the past week, two family members have questioned us taking on two kids.  I have to admit, I felt a little hurt.  They questioned if we could afford the day care and other expenses.  They worried it would put stress on our marriage.  I will admit there are days when I have doubted if we can handle being a two adult household to a family of four.  But I have seen people do it.  Most new parents just rise to the occasion. They make it work.  I think that is what we will do.  I am sure we will make mistakes.  But I feel like all sings are telling me it is right to go through with our plan.
We also looked at our 1st day care today.  It is interesting, researching day care and adopting.  I obviously don't know age, gender, or when they will be with us.  I also would want them to be in the same daycare, and I am finding many only have spots for children 2.5 and above. I am also debating part-time versus full-time.  Center-based versus home-based.  These are tough decisions.  But I feel like this is finally one of our first steps that is just like other "regular" parents.

Big Day!

Yesterday was a rollercoaster of emotions.  I started the day at work, and opened my e-mail to find out that DCF FINALLY approved us!!! We are now able to officially adopt in the state of MA. Just getting that piece of paper seemed like it took forever. In reality, it took 4 months.  Those were 4 of the longest months of my life.
About 2 hours later, I got a call from my social worker.  She wanted to know if we were interested in a sibling group - a 1 year old girl and 3 year-old boy.  I wanted to scream "of-course." I did call my husband, and he agreed that we were interested.  I don't have a lot of details about the children.  But I did see a picture, and they are adorable.  I don't want to post too many specifics because of confidentiality.

It is crazy to think that we could have two toddlers in a relatively short time frame.  This adoption process went from zero to sixty in a matter of hours.  I should know because I work there, but it is true that DCF has 2 paces - painfully slow or lightening-fast.  There have been times I have doubted if we can handle it.  We will go from a childless couple to parents of 2 instantly.  There will be challenges.  We have missed out on their early years, and may have to make up for some of that.  I would like to think we can handle it, because it is what I have wanted for so long.  I hope that like most parents, we will just rise to the occasion.

A big relief is that I was able to  "go public" on Facebook with the news.  We had told close friends and family, but some people still didn't know.  I have been blown away by the kind comments I have received since posting the news.  People I haven't seen in years have sent personal comments about different ways their lives have been touched by adoption.  I can't describe the feeling of having everyone be so happy for you and excited.  It makes me feel like the children will be very loved when they are home with us.

Baby Prep

I have found it is hard to try to prepare for such a wide age range.  Parents who are pregnant know when the baby will be coming, and that they will be a newborn.  I am trying to prepare for anything from birth to age 5.  How do you prepare for that? As part of the preparation, I came across two parenting DVD's: The Happiest Baby on the Block, and The Happiest Toddler on the Block.

      These DVD's are based on the books by the same names.  I was able to find them both on Netflix.  The Happiest Baby is basically how to soothe a crying baby.  The Happiest Toddler deals more with tantrums, and how to prevent them and de-escalate them.  I have met parents in real life who swear by the methods in the Baby DVD.  I found that movies to be helpful, because you can see the techniques in real life. You also get to see a lot of adorable babies. :)  Now the production quality? Let's just say that it won't be winning any Oscar's.  The Dr. is kind of goofy and cheesy, but gives practical advice without being condescending.
     I found some of the techniques in the toddler DVD to seem a little silly.  Some advice was similar to social work skills, such as reflection (restating what the person said). I haven't met anyone who tried these techniques, so I guess time will tell.  It may still be worth watching for other parents of toddlers, because they are so short.  Being in DVD form, there is also a better chance the my husband will watch them.
     I have also been reading What to Expect: The First Year and What to Expect: The Toddler Years. To be honest, I find them kind of overwhelming.   There is a lot of information. I feel like the author talks down to people without giving real advice.  Some of the information may be helpful as a reference when we actually have children in the home.

Nesting is In Full Force

I wish I had some positive updates, but the past month has just been more waiting.  During this time, I have been perusing internet articles and blogs about adoption. In doing so, I came across this article:

http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/preparing-for-parenthood-via-adoption.html

The writer talks about how adoptive parents experience a "psychological pregnancy", and that some parents are cautious about doing things to get ready.  Sometimes I would feel like if I bought things, I was jynxing myself. This article validated some of what I was feeling.  I will say I think that starting a registry has made it more real. 

D and I have been trying to prepare as best we can.  We had a big yard sale this weekend, which got rid of clutter.  We were trying to get rid of most breakable things.  We made enough money to buy a toddler bed, which will be fun to pick out.   I have been reading the "What to Expect" series.We have some other tasks we would like to accomplish. Our friend is giving us a car seat demonstration this weekend.  We are trying to find a more car seat-friendly car for D. (He has a pick-up truck).

The best advice an adoptive parent gave me was to "live your life."  Instead of waiting around for a phone call, we are trying to do as many things as we can.  I am taking a girls' trip to Colorado, which was on my "bucket list." D and I are taking some small trips, such as camping and to a casino.  We are trying to enjoy our time together as a couple as most we can.  For me, the thing that will be an adjustment is the lack of sleep after having children.  So I guess I will enjoy it now while I can.

Yes, I know.  I have been seriously neglecting this blog.  I am STILL waiting for our homestudy to be approved.  Right now, it is in the hands of the Central DCF office.  From what I hear, several of the higher-ups are on vacation.  How dare they? Don't they know they have a homestudy to approve?

I decided to bite the bullet and start a registry.  This was mainly inspired by the fact that I had 3 baby showers to shop for.  After seeing all the adorable items, I couldn't resist.  A couple friends encouraged me to start one.  I was torn, because we aren't "officially" approved and still don't know ages, gender, etc.  I decided to start one, and include gender neutral items for a variety of ages.  The little cherubs will at least need a place to sleep, right?  I think it was good for me to get a list started to make things more "real." This is my form of nesting in a way. I need to feel like I am doing something to prepare ourselves for children.

While the wait can be excruciating, I have mostly been excited.  We keep talking about activities we will be able to do, like visiting the local farmland, aquarium, and Children's Museum.  I want to take them to New Hampshire at Christmas and go to the Polar Express and Santa's Village.  We hope to take them to Sesame Street Place and Hershey Park someday.  I also can't wait to do everyday activities like art, reading, and learning to hit a baseball.

The wait is also giving us some time to do things we want to do before we have kids.  I am hopefully planning an out-of-state girls trip.  D and I just got concert tickets for a band we like playing at a nearby casino.  I think once the children come, plans like that will be out of the question for a little while.  We are also becoming for fiscally responsible, and D is taking more classes towards his degree.  I try to focus on the positive.  I know a lot of people wait a lot longer than we have, for both adoption and trying to conceive.  I have faith that the right children will come at the right time for us.

More Waiting

     So far, the month of May has been mostly waiting.  Our social worker came by for one more home visit.  She had some follow-up questions before the home-study.  Luckily, I have lost the nervous feeling when she comes over.  I appreciate that she responds quickly to calls and e-mails as well. 
Yesterday, we met up for lunch with another couple we met in the adoption class.  They are very cool, and are similar in age to us.  It was nice to hang out with someone in the same boat as us.
For now, I have to restrain myself from shopping for the child.  This is especially hard considering I have three baby showers next month I have to shop for.  Our social worker said we can wait until we are matched, even if this means a last minute scramble for baby and kid items! We have decided that books are safe, and have started slowly buying children's books to build up our library.  D even bought a "1st Superman Book", which I think is adorable.

Getting Teared Up

       This week I have had a lot of "feel-good" moments about adoption.  My in-laws came back from vacation, and talked about how excited they are.  They loved the adoption graduation they went to, and hearing from other families that adopted.  My own parents also can't wait.  My parents talked about going on vacation together with the kids.  My brother wants to teach them snowboarding.  It gets me all teary-eyed knowing how loved and welcomed these children will be.
     I am glad to be in this place, because initially I felt like our families were hesitant about the idea of adoption.  I think it was more that they didn't understand, and had only heard negative stories from a friend or a Lifetime movie.  They just needed time to process everything, and accept that they likely will not have biological grandchildren.  My husband and I both have stepfathers in the picture.  I think they were the ones to embrace the idea first, because they know what it is like to come into a child's life a little later and love them without a biological connection.
     I feel like I know what it is like to love a child before meeting them, and wonder if this is what pregnant women feel like.  I hear a song on the radio, and it brings tears to my eyes.  Today the song was "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perry.  Yesterday, "Forever Young" by Bob Dylan is the song that got me misty-eyed.  I take these songs as signs.  Signs to remind me to keep faith and that our children are out there.

    We are a few months into the process, but I have decided to document our process.  Some if it will be cathartic for me.  I hope to use it to share with friends and family, and maybe some people who are considering adoption.  My dream is to someday share this with our children when they are old enough.
      We have only told a select group of people about our plans.  We have told our immediate families, closest friends, and some extended family.  We both also had to let our employers know, because we needed a reference for the homestudy.  An extra complication is that I am social worker for the state.  There are some precautions in place to ensure I am not getting preferential treatment, and that our case files are restricted.
     Most people we have told have been supportive.  They know us, and they get it.  Some people have made what I find to be insensitive comments.  However, I have found when people say hurtful things it is because it is something they don't understand, or have their own insecurities they are trying to put on you.  I have decided to start a list of FAQ.

Q.Why are you adopting?

  A. I have some personal reasons for choosing not to conceive biological children.   I have known for a long time I wanted to adopt.  I work in social work with children in foster care, and see disrupted adoptions or children moved from place to place. What  I see every day has reinforced that decision. Luckily, my husband was on board with wanting to adopt.  That isn't to say he had some concerns.  Taking the adoption class has sealed the deal for both of us, and we are confident this is the right decision.  I believe there are many ways to grow your family. This is how we are hoping to start ours.

Q. But don't you want your own?

A. If we adopt him or her, they will be our "own."  They will just be lucky enough to have other parents as well.

Q.  Doesn't it cost money?

A. If you adopt from foster care, the state pays legal fees and administrative costs.  International adoption and private adoption require legal fees, travel fees, and home study and application fees.  There are tax credits, and some employers offer credits to cover adoption legal fees.

Q.  What if the birth parents/court make you give the child back?

When adopting from foster care, the children likely were not placed in foster care voluntarily.  Since we are hoping to adopt a child under 5, there will likely be some legal risk.  We are willing to consider the risk in each case.  It is very rare for a child in a pre-adoptive home to be reunified with their birth family.  We are not doing emergency foster care.  The state of MA keeps adoption and foster care pretty separate.

Q. Will you tell the child they are adopted?

Of course we will.  I don't think it should be a dirty secret.  I will want them to know who their bio family is.

Q.  What if you get a "crack-baby?" (Yes, someone actually asked this).

We are willing to consider adopting a child who was born addicted to cocaine or other substance.  The medical world has made great strides in this area, and most children "catch up" to their peers.  A safe, nurturing home with the right medical care can work wonders.  But I am not a fan of the word "crack-baby."

Q. I have heard children in foster care are aggressive/hurt other children.

A. Some children in foster care have witnessed domestic violence, or been physically or sexually abused.  This can mean they act out what happened to them. Not all do.  Sometimes their behavior can be difficult, but we are willing to work with professional services if needed.

Q. Will you be in contact the birth family?

We hope to do an "open adoption," which means we would do visits 1 or two times per year and exchange mail/photos.  I want our children to know who they come from.  We also may need to know about any medical conditions, history, etc.