We found out last week that the boys' mother had her rights terminated officially. The TPR actually occured in December, but the trickle down of information took awhile with the holiday and people being on vacation. While this was a relief for us in some way, I know it is a loss for the boys. They do know who she is, and until 1 month before placement were having supervised visits once per week.
The boys have a termination visit with her tomorrow, and then will have two yearly visits. I have been told she wants to meet us, which is something I am willing to do. She says she has a scrapbook with baby pictures, and will write down her and her family's medical history. Those will be priceless to me. A social worker will supervise the visit, and D and I will have to leave for two hours. This will be really hard, but it would be harder to see them call someone else "Mommy" or "Mama".
I have to admit I harbor some anger towards her. I am angry she used substances while pregnant, but mostly that she was given three chances by the court and didn't get it together. It makes me sad and angry that Big J was reunified home with his mother twice just to be removed again. I wish she didn't get his hopes up in that way. I have to remind myself that there were other systems at play that allowed this to occur as well.
On one hand I am thankful for her for giving us our boys. She brought them into the world and gave them some qualities we love about them. She never physically harmed them, she just wasn't able to get her own life together. I also find myself being overprotective when other people talk negatively about her. I certainly don't think she is a bad person.
I am curious as to how the boys will handle the visit. This is their first one since they have been with us, and I hope it is not overwhelming for them. I hope they see it as their family growing rather than shrinking. They will have two mommies, and lots of grandparents.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Attachment, Discipline, and Other Fun Stuff
As of today, the boys have officially been with us for one month! In a way it feels like it has flown by, and in some ways it feels like, "It has only been a month? Really?" We have already hit some major firsts and big milestones. Both boys had their first Christmas here, and Little J turned 2 yesterday. Big J started preschool, took a yellow bus, started karate, and swimming lessons. Both had Dr. appointments and flu shots, and Little J had his first emergency dentist appointment after getting hit in the mouth with a door. A big first that should go down in history: Big J took his 4 minute time-out without a major meltdown. More on that later.
I have been learning that attachment and discipline go hand-in-hand. Like the "Married with Children Song", you can't have one without the other. Discipline was a little rough at the beginning. We were new parents with two needy kids, who were able to walk around, get in to things, talk back, and be defiant. The meltdowns by Big J were tough. I wondered if it would ever get better, what we were doing wrong. I tried to walk the line between meeting their needs and making them feel secure and safe and loved, but making sure they were not total monsters. I think Big J was testing us, and making sure we would not get rid of him.
Our social worker and our foster parent classes taught us that we would likely see some regression, and that Big J would want to be babied. We were told that with caretaking things, we should do it. If he wanted to be rocked, carried, wiped, fed, etc. we should do it. Big J has asked for all those things. Sometimes we give him a choice. "Would you like to put your shoes on, or would you like Mommy to do it?" He goes back and forth, but I have noticed he often wants to be taken care of when she sees me changing Little J's diaper or feeding him.
Some things we have not given in to. Such as having candy for breakfast, buying that toy at the grocery store, or us picking up the toys he threw during a meltdown. Those are wants, not needs. My husband and I have disagreed on some aspects of what he is doing for attention, and what is a need that we should meet. I try not to give attention to negative behavior. But if he asked to be carried, I will carry him. Yes, I have been lugging around a 50 pound 4-year-old. He also wants me to wipe him, and sometimes asks to be fed. Big J told me I need to work-out and get strong so that I can still pick him up when he turns 5. He also said, "Mommy why do you eat so much?" Who needs a personal trainer when you have the honesty of a four-year-old.
As we go through these routines, I do feel like there is definitely a bond. They miss us when we are gone, and we miss them. The major meltdowns are getting less often and less intense. We have a routine, and we can tell their moods.
This is what we have been doing in terms of both discipline and attachment:
1) We refer to ourselves in third person as "mommy" and "daddy"
2) For the first month, we only used a babysitter once for a few hours. We made sure only D and I were the ones feeding, bathing, comforting them, etc. when visitors were over.
3) We made sure to have pictures of them throughout the house. They love looking at pictures.
4) Try to have a schedule and routine with waking, bath, meals, and bedtime.
5) Use time-outs, but have them in the room with us for the time-out. They are near us and can see us, but we ignore them and don't make eye-contact or engage in conversation.
6) We get really excited when they come back from time-out/wake-up/come home from school/try a new vegetable/brush their teeth, or other daily tasks.
7. ) I would like to thank my friend who has a foster parenting blog (redhead in raleigh) for the saying: It's okay to be mad, but it's not okay to break the rules.
8) We label feelings ALL the time. When they are mad/sad/happy, when D and I are, characters in books, or movies, the pets, etc.
9). After a major meltdown that usually started with giving a time-out, Big J has to help us pick up the mess he made. If he hit us or his brother with an object, or tried to play with a toy during time-out, that gets confiscated.
10). We started a behavior chart with Big J, and it seems to be going over well. We have 5 or 6 things on there such as "Using big boy voice, sharing, picking up toys." I made sure to include one thing he always does without a problem (feed the pets). He gets a sticker for each thing that day he did well, and an unhappy face for things he needs to work on. He loves going over the chart every day. Never underestimate the power of a sticker. We have a reward where 5 days of stickers = special one-on-one time with Mommy or Daddy. Last week, it was Dunkin' Donuts.
Things are getting better, as evidenced by Big J actually taking a time-out yesterday. That was huge. I think D and I are started to get into a parenting groove.
These are some books that have been helpful. Don't try to follow them all. They contradict each other, and you will go crazy. Take the tools or ideas that work for you, or at least take some comfort in the fact that you are not the first parent that has struggled.
I Love You Rituals
The Happiest Toddler on the Block
The Connected Child
Love and Logic for Early Childhood
I have been learning that attachment and discipline go hand-in-hand. Like the "Married with Children Song", you can't have one without the other. Discipline was a little rough at the beginning. We were new parents with two needy kids, who were able to walk around, get in to things, talk back, and be defiant. The meltdowns by Big J were tough. I wondered if it would ever get better, what we were doing wrong. I tried to walk the line between meeting their needs and making them feel secure and safe and loved, but making sure they were not total monsters. I think Big J was testing us, and making sure we would not get rid of him.
Our social worker and our foster parent classes taught us that we would likely see some regression, and that Big J would want to be babied. We were told that with caretaking things, we should do it. If he wanted to be rocked, carried, wiped, fed, etc. we should do it. Big J has asked for all those things. Sometimes we give him a choice. "Would you like to put your shoes on, or would you like Mommy to do it?" He goes back and forth, but I have noticed he often wants to be taken care of when she sees me changing Little J's diaper or feeding him.
Some things we have not given in to. Such as having candy for breakfast, buying that toy at the grocery store, or us picking up the toys he threw during a meltdown. Those are wants, not needs. My husband and I have disagreed on some aspects of what he is doing for attention, and what is a need that we should meet. I try not to give attention to negative behavior. But if he asked to be carried, I will carry him. Yes, I have been lugging around a 50 pound 4-year-old. He also wants me to wipe him, and sometimes asks to be fed. Big J told me I need to work-out and get strong so that I can still pick him up when he turns 5. He also said, "Mommy why do you eat so much?" Who needs a personal trainer when you have the honesty of a four-year-old.
As we go through these routines, I do feel like there is definitely a bond. They miss us when we are gone, and we miss them. The major meltdowns are getting less often and less intense. We have a routine, and we can tell their moods.
This is what we have been doing in terms of both discipline and attachment:
1) We refer to ourselves in third person as "mommy" and "daddy"
2) For the first month, we only used a babysitter once for a few hours. We made sure only D and I were the ones feeding, bathing, comforting them, etc. when visitors were over.
3) We made sure to have pictures of them throughout the house. They love looking at pictures.
4) Try to have a schedule and routine with waking, bath, meals, and bedtime.
5) Use time-outs, but have them in the room with us for the time-out. They are near us and can see us, but we ignore them and don't make eye-contact or engage in conversation.
6) We get really excited when they come back from time-out/wake-up/come home from school/try a new vegetable/brush their teeth, or other daily tasks.
7. ) I would like to thank my friend who has a foster parenting blog (redhead in raleigh) for the saying: It's okay to be mad, but it's not okay to break the rules.
8) We label feelings ALL the time. When they are mad/sad/happy, when D and I are, characters in books, or movies, the pets, etc.
9). After a major meltdown that usually started with giving a time-out, Big J has to help us pick up the mess he made. If he hit us or his brother with an object, or tried to play with a toy during time-out, that gets confiscated.
10). We started a behavior chart with Big J, and it seems to be going over well. We have 5 or 6 things on there such as "Using big boy voice, sharing, picking up toys." I made sure to include one thing he always does without a problem (feed the pets). He gets a sticker for each thing that day he did well, and an unhappy face for things he needs to work on. He loves going over the chart every day. Never underestimate the power of a sticker. We have a reward where 5 days of stickers = special one-on-one time with Mommy or Daddy. Last week, it was Dunkin' Donuts.
Things are getting better, as evidenced by Big J actually taking a time-out yesterday. That was huge. I think D and I are started to get into a parenting groove.
These are some books that have been helpful. Don't try to follow them all. They contradict each other, and you will go crazy. Take the tools or ideas that work for you, or at least take some comfort in the fact that you are not the first parent that has struggled.
I Love You Rituals
The Happiest Toddler on the Block
The Connected Child
Love and Logic for Early Childhood
Foster Parent Gifts
I had been debating what to get the two "Nana's" for our sons. Little J was with his Nana (foster parent) since he was three weeks old. She cared for him while he weaned from methadone. She saw him meet many milestones, and worked with Early Intervention. She has helped him become the sweet little boy he is now. I hear she has cared for many babies over the years with special medical needs. Big J was with his "Nana" and "Voo Voo" for over a year. When he came to them, he was a very hurt little boy, who had been shuffled around. They helped him heal, they potty trained him, and helped him in school. The move was hard on big J, and he asks for them a lot. Both ladies are very sweet, but just knew solely because of their age they could not adopt the boys.
I thought what, if anything, do you get for the people who cared for your children and raised them for the early years of their life? I did give them Christmas cards with a long message inside. I was careful not to include the family picture, because I thought it would be to soon. I decided to get something about taking care of children. One of my graphic design friends made this:
I plan on matting and framing it and giving it to them at Little J's birthday party this weekend.
Thank you to Michelle for the design!!
I thought what, if anything, do you get for the people who cared for your children and raised them for the early years of their life? I did give them Christmas cards with a long message inside. I was careful not to include the family picture, because I thought it would be to soon. I decided to get something about taking care of children. One of my graphic design friends made this:
I plan on matting and framing it and giving it to them at Little J's birthday party this weekend.
Thank you to Michelle for the design!!
Saying Goodbye to a Pet
As foster parents/pre-adoptive parents, we are supposed to be experts in loss. Each child has already experienced loss in some way. In our case, Big J had been in 5 foster homes in his short life, reunified with his mother and then removed 3 times, and had one foster parent pass away. Little J was moved to us after being with his foster mom since he was 3 weeks old.
When they came to us, it was certainly an adjustment. I will say having pets is a nice icebreaker and comforting to kids. Big J liked to help feed the kitties and the bunny, and play with toys with them. One of our brave cats will sit near him and let them pet him. Having kids feed the pets (obviously with supervision) is a way to get the pets to like the kids. The bunny would let the kids pet him until little J grabbed him by the ear.
3 weeks after the children were placed with us, we noticed one night our little bunny Dexter was breathing funny. It was almost as if he were choking or about to throw up. He wouldn't eat his food. Big J looked at me and said "Is he gonna die?" I said "Mommy will bring him to the doctor, he just doesn't feel good."
We out big J to bed and I took the bunny to the after-hours vet. They said bunnies are not their specialty, but they would see what they could do. I told them they need to save this bunny or we will have very sad kids. They sent us home, saying it was an upper-respiratory infection. They gave us antibiotics and liquid nutrients. We came home, and gave him his medicine. I checked on him in the middle of the night when I woke up because Big J was having a nightmare. He had passed away. :(
I woke up D and told him. We didn't want the kids to find him like that. I had a moment when I considered checking the shelters for a black and white bunny. But then I realized that wouldn't be right.
The next morning, My mother-in-law came over so we could have Bunny cremated. I got a book from the library - The Berenstein Bears Lose a Friend. I found a frame to get a framed picture of the bunny.
Big J was sad when we told him the news, but then wanted to go play. Kids are resilient like that. But then he would ask us why the bunny left and that he wanted us to find him. I think he will get it eventually. That day, one of our cats was meowing all day and big J would ask me why. I said "I think he is sad because he misses the bunny." The next day the kitty was sitting on the bench, and Big J took a stuffed animal bunny and put it next to the kitty. I asked why, and he sad "So the kitty won't be sad."
How sweet are my boys? Well, most of the time.
When they came to us, it was certainly an adjustment. I will say having pets is a nice icebreaker and comforting to kids. Big J liked to help feed the kitties and the bunny, and play with toys with them. One of our brave cats will sit near him and let them pet him. Having kids feed the pets (obviously with supervision) is a way to get the pets to like the kids. The bunny would let the kids pet him until little J grabbed him by the ear.
3 weeks after the children were placed with us, we noticed one night our little bunny Dexter was breathing funny. It was almost as if he were choking or about to throw up. He wouldn't eat his food. Big J looked at me and said "Is he gonna die?" I said "Mommy will bring him to the doctor, he just doesn't feel good."
We out big J to bed and I took the bunny to the after-hours vet. They said bunnies are not their specialty, but they would see what they could do. I told them they need to save this bunny or we will have very sad kids. They sent us home, saying it was an upper-respiratory infection. They gave us antibiotics and liquid nutrients. We came home, and gave him his medicine. I checked on him in the middle of the night when I woke up because Big J was having a nightmare. He had passed away. :(
I woke up D and told him. We didn't want the kids to find him like that. I had a moment when I considered checking the shelters for a black and white bunny. But then I realized that wouldn't be right.
The next morning, My mother-in-law came over so we could have Bunny cremated. I got a book from the library - The Berenstein Bears Lose a Friend. I found a frame to get a framed picture of the bunny.
Big J was sad when we told him the news, but then wanted to go play. Kids are resilient like that. But then he would ask us why the bunny left and that he wanted us to find him. I think he will get it eventually. That day, one of our cats was meowing all day and big J would ask me why. I said "I think he is sad because he misses the bunny." The next day the kitty was sitting on the bench, and Big J took a stuffed animal bunny and put it next to the kitty. I asked why, and he sad "So the kitty won't be sad."
How sweet are my boys? Well, most of the time.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Cute Things my Kids Say and Do
In attempt to stay positive and also document this stuff, here is a list of cute things our kids say and do:
Little J:
1) Likes to give big hugs and kisses.
2) Gets so excited he almost hyperventilates when Thomas or Elmo come on TV.
3). Squee's with delight when he sees our kitty, or "kiki."
4.) Cracks himself up by flushing the toilet or knocking something over and screaming "Uh Oh".
5) Taps us on the shoulder when he wants something.
6) A slide is the funnest thing ever to him.
Big J
1) Says "dude" and "awkward", which he got from Spiderman.
2) If he breaks something, he says, "It's ok., I'll buy you a new one."
3.) If we say he is too little to do something (like touch the stove), he always says "Okay, I will when I turn 5.
4.) He is very imaginative and gullible. I can translate what the kitty says, the ninja turtles live in our sewer, Thomas goes down the railroad tracks, and my friend G works for the tooth fairy.
5). Says out of the blue "I like you."
6.) When he meets someone new he says," I like them. Can we go back a-morrow? Two times.
Little J:
1) Likes to give big hugs and kisses.
2) Gets so excited he almost hyperventilates when Thomas or Elmo come on TV.
3). Squee's with delight when he sees our kitty, or "kiki."
4.) Cracks himself up by flushing the toilet or knocking something over and screaming "Uh Oh".
5) Taps us on the shoulder when he wants something.
6) A slide is the funnest thing ever to him.
Big J
1) Says "dude" and "awkward", which he got from Spiderman.
2) If he breaks something, he says, "It's ok., I'll buy you a new one."
3.) If we say he is too little to do something (like touch the stove), he always says "Okay, I will when I turn 5.
4.) He is very imaginative and gullible. I can translate what the kitty says, the ninja turtles live in our sewer, Thomas goes down the railroad tracks, and my friend G works for the tooth fairy.
5). Says out of the blue "I like you."
6.) When he meets someone new he says," I like them. Can we go back a-morrow? Two times.
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