So far, the month of May has been mostly waiting. Our social worker came by for one more home visit. She had some follow-up questions before the home-study. Luckily, I have lost the nervous feeling when she comes over. I appreciate that she responds quickly to calls and e-mails as well.
Yesterday, we met up for lunch with another couple we met in the adoption class. They are very cool, and are similar in age to us. It was nice to hang out with someone in the same boat as us.
For now, I have to restrain myself from shopping for the child. This is especially hard considering I have three baby showers next month I have to shop for. Our social worker said we can wait until we are matched, even if this means a last minute scramble for baby and kid items! We have decided that books are safe, and have started slowly buying children's books to build up our library. D even bought a "1st Superman Book", which I think is adorable.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Getting Teared Up
This week I have had a lot of "feel-good" moments about adoption. My in-laws came back from vacation, and talked about how excited they are. They loved the adoption graduation they went to, and hearing from other families that adopted. My own parents also can't wait. My parents talked about going on vacation together with the kids. My brother wants to teach them snowboarding. It gets me all teary-eyed knowing how loved and welcomed these children will be.
I am glad to be in this place, because initially I felt like our families were hesitant about the idea of adoption. I think it was more that they didn't understand, and had only heard negative stories from a friend or a Lifetime movie. They just needed time to process everything, and accept that they likely will not have biological grandchildren. My husband and I both have stepfathers in the picture. I think they were the ones to embrace the idea first, because they know what it is like to come into a child's life a little later and love them without a biological connection.
I feel like I know what it is like to love a child before meeting them, and wonder if this is what pregnant women feel like. I hear a song on the radio, and it brings tears to my eyes. Today the song was "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perry. Yesterday, "Forever Young" by Bob Dylan is the song that got me misty-eyed. I take these songs as signs. Signs to remind me to keep faith and that our children are out there.
I am glad to be in this place, because initially I felt like our families were hesitant about the idea of adoption. I think it was more that they didn't understand, and had only heard negative stories from a friend or a Lifetime movie. They just needed time to process everything, and accept that they likely will not have biological grandchildren. My husband and I both have stepfathers in the picture. I think they were the ones to embrace the idea first, because they know what it is like to come into a child's life a little later and love them without a biological connection.
I feel like I know what it is like to love a child before meeting them, and wonder if this is what pregnant women feel like. I hear a song on the radio, and it brings tears to my eyes. Today the song was "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perry. Yesterday, "Forever Young" by Bob Dylan is the song that got me misty-eyed. I take these songs as signs. Signs to remind me to keep faith and that our children are out there.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
We are a few months into the process, but I have decided to document our process. Some if it will be cathartic for me. I hope to use it to share with friends and family, and maybe some people who are considering adoption. My dream is to someday share this with our children when they are old enough.
We have only told a select group of people about our plans. We have told our immediate families, closest friends, and some extended family. We both also had to let our employers know, because we needed a reference for the homestudy. An extra complication is that I am social worker for the state. There are some precautions in place to ensure I am not getting preferential treatment, and that our case files are restricted.
Most people we have told have been supportive. They know us, and they get it. Some people have made what I find to be insensitive comments. However, I have found when people say hurtful things it is because it is something they don't understand, or have their own insecurities they are trying to put on you. I have decided to start a list of FAQ.
Q.Why are you adopting?
A. I have some personal reasons for choosing not to conceive biological children. I have known for a long time I wanted to adopt. I work in social work with children in foster care, and see disrupted adoptions or children moved from place to place. What I see every day has reinforced that decision. Luckily, my husband was on board with wanting to adopt. That isn't to say he had some concerns. Taking the adoption class has sealed the deal for both of us, and we are confident this is the right decision. I believe there are many ways to grow your family. This is how we are hoping to start ours.
Q. But don't you want your own?
A. If we adopt him or her, they will be our "own." They will just be lucky enough to have other parents as well.
Q. Doesn't it cost money?
A. If you adopt from foster care, the state pays legal fees and administrative costs. International adoption and private adoption require legal fees, travel fees, and home study and application fees. There are tax credits, and some employers offer credits to cover adoption legal fees.
Q. What if the birth parents/court make you give the child back?
When adopting from foster care, the children likely were not placed in foster care voluntarily. Since we are hoping to adopt a child under 5, there will likely be some legal risk. We are willing to consider the risk in each case. It is very rare for a child in a pre-adoptive home to be reunified with their birth family. We are not doing emergency foster care. The state of MA keeps adoption and foster care pretty separate.
Q. Will you tell the child they are adopted?
Of course we will. I don't think it should be a dirty secret. I will want them to know who their bio family is.
Q. What if you get a "crack-baby?" (Yes, someone actually asked this).
We are willing to consider adopting a child who was born addicted to cocaine or other substance. The medical world has made great strides in this area, and most children "catch up" to their peers. A safe, nurturing home with the right medical care can work wonders. But I am not a fan of the word "crack-baby."
Q. I have heard children in foster care are aggressive/hurt other children.
A. Some children in foster care have witnessed domestic violence, or been physically or sexually abused. This can mean they act out what happened to them. Not all do. Sometimes their behavior can be difficult, but we are willing to work with professional services if needed.
Q. Will you be in contact the birth family?
We hope to do an "open adoption," which means we would do visits 1 or two times per year and exchange mail/photos. I want our children to know who they come from. We also may need to know about any medical conditions, history, etc.
We have only told a select group of people about our plans. We have told our immediate families, closest friends, and some extended family. We both also had to let our employers know, because we needed a reference for the homestudy. An extra complication is that I am social worker for the state. There are some precautions in place to ensure I am not getting preferential treatment, and that our case files are restricted.
Most people we have told have been supportive. They know us, and they get it. Some people have made what I find to be insensitive comments. However, I have found when people say hurtful things it is because it is something they don't understand, or have their own insecurities they are trying to put on you. I have decided to start a list of FAQ.
Q.Why are you adopting?
A. I have some personal reasons for choosing not to conceive biological children. I have known for a long time I wanted to adopt. I work in social work with children in foster care, and see disrupted adoptions or children moved from place to place. What I see every day has reinforced that decision. Luckily, my husband was on board with wanting to adopt. That isn't to say he had some concerns. Taking the adoption class has sealed the deal for both of us, and we are confident this is the right decision. I believe there are many ways to grow your family. This is how we are hoping to start ours.
Q. But don't you want your own?
A. If we adopt him or her, they will be our "own." They will just be lucky enough to have other parents as well.
Q. Doesn't it cost money?
A. If you adopt from foster care, the state pays legal fees and administrative costs. International adoption and private adoption require legal fees, travel fees, and home study and application fees. There are tax credits, and some employers offer credits to cover adoption legal fees.
Q. What if the birth parents/court make you give the child back?
When adopting from foster care, the children likely were not placed in foster care voluntarily. Since we are hoping to adopt a child under 5, there will likely be some legal risk. We are willing to consider the risk in each case. It is very rare for a child in a pre-adoptive home to be reunified with their birth family. We are not doing emergency foster care. The state of MA keeps adoption and foster care pretty separate.
Q. Will you tell the child they are adopted?
Of course we will. I don't think it should be a dirty secret. I will want them to know who their bio family is.
Q. What if you get a "crack-baby?" (Yes, someone actually asked this).
We are willing to consider adopting a child who was born addicted to cocaine or other substance. The medical world has made great strides in this area, and most children "catch up" to their peers. A safe, nurturing home with the right medical care can work wonders. But I am not a fan of the word "crack-baby."
Q. I have heard children in foster care are aggressive/hurt other children.
A. Some children in foster care have witnessed domestic violence, or been physically or sexually abused. This can mean they act out what happened to them. Not all do. Sometimes their behavior can be difficult, but we are willing to work with professional services if needed.
Q. Will you be in contact the birth family?
We hope to do an "open adoption," which means we would do visits 1 or two times per year and exchange mail/photos. I want our children to know who they come from. We also may need to know about any medical conditions, history, etc.
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