Raising Boys

Lately I have been thinking about how to raise boys who are kind, moral, and of strong character. It is not that these thoughts weren't on my mind before. I think at first, we were all in survival mode. D and I were figuring out how to get into a routine and parenting issues. It was a logistical thing. I made sure to plan activities, child care, and early intervention. I planned child-friendly meals and snacks, scheduled when I would do errands and laundry.

Lately I have been thinking a great deal about what kind of men these boys will turn into. I see horrific stories on the news, like the Newtown shootings, the Steubenville rape case, the Aurora shooting. It makes me wonder why those boys turned into the violent men who would commit those horrible acts. What were there parents like?  Did they have a traumatic life? Did they have no limits, no nurturing?  Were these somewhat normal families, but something just always seemed "off"?

I try to ensure that I am little things with my children each day that instill character, and doing the right thing.  I model and explain empathy.  We talk about acts of service, and doing nice things for people and animals.  I think for children, it is easier to be empathetic to animals.  We talk about how being "rough" with our kitty will hurt him and make him scared.  We talk about how it feels like to be hit, or name-called.  We say hands are not for hurting.  We have been attending church and Sunday School and hope some of the messages sink in. (I am not saying that religious and/or Christian views are the only way to instill moral character in children.  In my case, I had a positive experience with my and want to provide the same for our children).

To be honest, there are some times that Big J's behavior scares me.  He is so little, but at times can be so angry.  It is not the angry outbursts that worry me most.  Not that it is okay, but I get why he hits his little brother for taking a toy.  Some of the "sneakier" and more planful behavior worries me the most.  Out of the blue, he has walked up behind little J and pushed him down.  I have seen some mean-spirited behavior towards me and his brother.  He is usually more gentle with peers at school and play-dates.  I think we are going to have to work extra hard with Big J to help him with limits, boundaries, and empathy.  I wish there was a simple solution, but I know there isn't.  We are trying to meet his physical and emotional needs as much as possible, but also setting boundaries and limits.  We also aren't afraid to ask for help, whether it be personal or professional help.  For now, I will try to enjoy his childhood as much as possible and not worry about the "what-ifs."

Becoming a working mom

It has been a month since I returned to my social work job.  I had mixed feelings about the return, but I have to be honest about something: I was mostly happy to return to work.  I say that with zero guilt.  I love my children both dearly, and am grateful for the maternity leave I was lucky enough to take.  But my workplace is luxurious (or so it feels).  I get to go to the bathroom whenever I want.  I drink hot beverages out of an open mug, and no one knocks it over.  I can talk on the phone, run errands, check e-mail.  Yes, I actually do work too. Most days I actually enjoy my job, and feel it is more than just a paycheck. That may have made the transition easier for me.
       The boys have mostly been adjusting well to the change, although I feel a twinge of resentment from big J.  We were able to arrange our schedule so that we have a nanny two days, and our MIL does one half day, I do one half day, and D does the rest.  It makes things easier that I don't have to bring them anywhere, and they are together.  Big J will see me get dressed and say "You have to work AGAIN?" I usually say yes, I feel the same way and laugh.  One day I was in the bathroom, but not on a day I had to go to work.  Little J was walking around saying "Mamma" and Big J said to him "She's not here, she's at work." 
I yelled, "I'm in here, I'm not at work!" and Big J said,"Little J, mommy's not here."
I have to admit, it broke my heart a little bit.
They do love their nanny and her 9 year-old daughter who comes over sometimes.  I miss some of the activities we used to do, and I miss getting Big J off the bus.  There is nothing like coming home to little feet running up to you screaming "Mommmy!" These boys give the best hugs.