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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Long 2 Weeks

This has been a long two weeks.  2 weeks ago, I got the call. We needed to wait.  No visiting, no approval.  Just more waiting.  I have talked to everyone under the sun that could offer guidance.  I called Central Office.  Was told pretty much, "don't call us.  We will call you."  I am trying to stay positive, but with each day am becoming more and more impatient and more and more resentful of this agency I work for. My life is in their hands.  These boys' lives, like so many many other children across the state, are in their hands.

I relate much of my life to movie quotes.  One of my faves is When Harry Met Sally. Aside from the fabulous fake orgasm scene is a great line by Billy Crystal --"When you decide who you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

We have met our boys and we fell for them. And we want the rest of our life to start as soon as possible.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Extended Family and Friends

We are trying to prepare as best as possible for the boys, and make it as smooth of a transition as it can be.  We have read a great deal on the subject of attachment.  This is especially important to children coming from foster care.  I will be taking a 2.5 month maternity leave, and D will take 2 weeks. Part of the process is also explaining how things will go with extended family.  It is important that they attach to us first, and extended family and friends will come later.

This is a modified version of an e-mail I sent out:

1) For the 1st 1 or 2 months, D and I need to be the only ones to take care of the boys.  This means feeding, changing, comforting them, picking them up.  They need to attach to us. Of course it is ok to talk with them, play with them, or hug them.  We also aren't supposed to use a sitter for the 1st month. Please don't be offended if you ask to come over or invite us over and we say no (But still ask). We have been told to "build a cocoon around our house."

2) For the first month or so, visits will need to be short.  And we will need to limit it to 2 - 3 people at a time.


3) I can't put their pictures on Facebook right away.  This is for confidentiality purposes.  This will be tough, because I know I want to show them off and you will too.  I will probably create a password protected site on Shutterfly or something I can update and share with you.

4) Please do not share their birth history, foster care history etc. with everyone.  They do not need to know.  In the same respect, please do not speak negatively about their birth parents. They will pick up on this.


5) Keep in mind they will probably miss their foster parents a lot.  They may ask for them.  This may be a tough transition.  They also may have picked up some difficult behaviors.  These were for survival and coping and served a purpose at one time.


Thank you for reading and keeping these in mind.


I got a positive response from sending this out, and people seem to be understanding.  I was worried it was come across as stand-offish, or condescending.   

Sunday, November 18, 2012

We've hit a speed bump

If you recall from my last post, D & I were on cloud nine after meeting our boys last weekend.  We instantly fell for them and could not wait to see them again.  We scheduled two times this week to see them again, and I planned on getting my visitation schedule approved and maternity leave.  Tuesday morning, I get a call from my social worker.  Apparently, we were supposed to have requested prior approval before holding a disclosure meeting and first meeting.   Central Office in Boston needs to approve the match to ensure there is no conflict of interest or I did not going about finding J & J in an unethical way.

To give a little background, it used to be not so difficult for DCF social workers to adopt.  The story goes that someone or many someone's complained that DCF workers were "cherry-picking" babies.  There is even a myth out there that social workers were removing children just so that they or their friends could adopt them.  This sounds a little absurd to me. Trust me, removing children is the last thing we want to do.  I think there should not be any barriers to a child going to a safe permanent home.  The social worker for the children should get to choose from the best possible pool of applicants.  Maybe that happens to be a social worker, or maybe not.

Needless to say, we were devastated.  We were so looking forward to seeing them again.  My main worry was that we told four-year-old J that we were coming back.  It saddened me to think that he might think we weren't coming because we didn't like him or want him. I called the foster parents, and they assured me the children don't really understand anyway, and especially time and days of the week.

We finally felt like there was progress, and then our hopes were sunk.  My social worker assures me this will be approved, it is just a matter of when.  They are not going to find a conflict of interest.  I am really hoping it will still be before Christmas.  I am hoping we may even be able to keep our date of 12/12/12.

In the meantime, we are still plugging along trying to get things ready.  I had the car seats installed at the police station.  The grandmothers are throwing together a shower.  And we finally got the crib together for little J. (Okay, D and father-in-law put it together after much swearing).

Please hope and pray that we will get the go ahead this week to resume visitation and set an official date! I am hoping that whoever the higher-up is up in Boston will be in the Christmas spirit, and want these boys placed together in a forever home before the Holidays.

D and I both took a couple days to get over the anger and sadness.  We are now trying to see this as a little speed bump.  They are still our boys.  And they will be home with us.  I found it fitting that my favorite non-profit Rise Above displayed this quotation on their FB page today:

 “Even if things don't unfold the way you expected, don't be disheartened or give up. One who continues to advance will win in the end.”- Daisaku Ikeda

Monday, November 12, 2012

11/11 We met our sons!

WE MET OUR SONS yesterday! I wish I could share their pictures, because they are both so sweet and handsome. For confidentiality, I can not. But let me tell you about the visit.  Both boys are in separate foster homes, about a half mile from each other. We saw Big "J" first, who is 4.  He saw us at the door, and ran to his foster mother "Nana"  yelling "They're here!!!!!" He is a handsome boy, with blonde hair and hazel eyes.  Gorgeous smile.  He was shy for about 5 minutes.  We gave him a bag with a couple gifts.  One was a Batman busy book, which was a book with toys in the back.  We also gave him a Spiderman coloring book and stickers.

He played well with us on the floor.  I was told his speech could be hard to understand.  I only had to ask him to repeat one thing, I could understand him perfectly.  He was easily distracted and wanted to do a million things. But I melted when he grabbed my hand to show me a big truck.  I asked him how he wanted his room decorated, and he said "Trucks." Trucks, it is.  For you, the world.  And he played with my Iphone like he owned it, and liked looking at pictures.

We then had to get going, to see his little brother J.  I asked if I could give him a hug, and he hugged me without hesitation. We then drove the 1/2 mile to Little J's foster home. I was a little taken aback when I asked if they go to each other's houses, and they said no.  They only see each other when they have supervised visits with their mother.

Little J was such a ham.  He is twenty-two months old.  He loves to run around.  He really took to my husband D, and was just fascinated by him. He climbed on him, grabbed his face, and even kissed D on the mouth! D said to me, "I think I fell in love again!" He loved the book and bunny that we got him. He has a hysterical laugh.  He also loved getting his picture taken. His foster mother gave us some pictures of him.  I know she is going to be devastated when he leaves, because she has had him since he was 3 weeks old.  But I think it is time for them to be with a family and be together.

I will always remember our first visit and how we fell in love with them.  I can not wait to see them again on Wednesday!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Nothing But Good News

The big news: We get to meet our boys on Sunday!
More Big News: We have a potential placement date of December 12th! The boys will be home with us in just over a month!

D and I had way too much fun at Babies/Toys R Us today.  We got them each a gift.  We found out little J likes Toy Story, and Big J likes Spiderman.  I can't wait to find out more about what they like.  D was too cute at the toy store.  His eyes would light up when he saw toys he remembered from his childhood.  He would say "I hope they like The Hulk.  I hope they like Transformers."  Um, we are getting two boys.  Chances are, they will. 

We also got 2 car seats, which are a necessity.  Our next visit, we hope to take the boys on an outing.  Now, to research play areas and activities in that area for toddlers and preschoolers.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Quick Update

We had our first disclosure meeting yesterday. This meeting was about 2 boys, J & J.  We are very interested in the boys.  The disclosure meeting is when they are supposed to tell you everything about their history, any special needs, how they are doing now, etc.  Nothing scared us off.  I will say the social worker for the boys seemed a little scatterbrained.  But, I know what this job does to people so I will give her a pass for now.
      They want an answer by next Tuesday.  Agghhhh! I think we are going to say yes.  The process will probably take 5 - 6 weeks.  SO possibly by mid-December. Looks like we have a house full of boys! I see a lot of superheros, dirt, cars and trucks, and fart jokes in my future.  And couldn't be happier. This could be the best Christmas yet!
       Now to restrain myself from buying the whole Toys T Us catalog!