5 months!!

I have had 5 months with my little men.  5 months of being their mom.  It feels like forever some days, like they have always been with us.  It is odd sometimes to think of what a blip of time that is for them.  That they have had other caretakers, been in other homes.  There is someone else who is maybe hurting they are not with them.  Little J attached so easily.  I can't imagine now how it would feel for me if he attached to someone else. I try to put myself in the shoes of their foster moms and their birth mom.

We had a visit with their social worker, and are hopefully going to have a finalization date for early July!!! It will make me feel so much better to have a date.  I have decided not to have a huge party, since we recently had a large baptism.  We may do a fun lunch somewhere after the court date, then we are going on a big family vacation in July.  To be honest, I can't wait to change their last names.  It shouldn't matter, but I can't help but feel judgement for having two boys with different last names from each other and from me. It will be nice to have that permanence. 

We all have come a long way in 5 months. Little J is your typical, mischevious toddler. Big J is attaching and learning to exoress himself. They both have such strong personalities. And are little comedians. D and I have adapted to parenting I think pretty well. It was a crash course, sink or swim. There were some days I thought we weren't going to make it. But I think we will all be just fine. I love watching my boys grow into little men.

Raising Boys

Lately I have been thinking about how to raise boys who are kind, moral, and of strong character. It is not that these thoughts weren't on my mind before. I think at first, we were all in survival mode. D and I were figuring out how to get into a routine and parenting issues. It was a logistical thing. I made sure to plan activities, child care, and early intervention. I planned child-friendly meals and snacks, scheduled when I would do errands and laundry.

Lately I have been thinking a great deal about what kind of men these boys will turn into. I see horrific stories on the news, like the Newtown shootings, the Steubenville rape case, the Aurora shooting. It makes me wonder why those boys turned into the violent men who would commit those horrible acts. What were there parents like?  Did they have a traumatic life? Did they have no limits, no nurturing?  Were these somewhat normal families, but something just always seemed "off"?

I try to ensure that I am little things with my children each day that instill character, and doing the right thing.  I model and explain empathy.  We talk about acts of service, and doing nice things for people and animals.  I think for children, it is easier to be empathetic to animals.  We talk about how being "rough" with our kitty will hurt him and make him scared.  We talk about how it feels like to be hit, or name-called.  We say hands are not for hurting.  We have been attending church and Sunday School and hope some of the messages sink in. (I am not saying that religious and/or Christian views are the only way to instill moral character in children.  In my case, I had a positive experience with my and want to provide the same for our children).

To be honest, there are some times that Big J's behavior scares me.  He is so little, but at times can be so angry.  It is not the angry outbursts that worry me most.  Not that it is okay, but I get why he hits his little brother for taking a toy.  Some of the "sneakier" and more planful behavior worries me the most.  Out of the blue, he has walked up behind little J and pushed him down.  I have seen some mean-spirited behavior towards me and his brother.  He is usually more gentle with peers at school and play-dates.  I think we are going to have to work extra hard with Big J to help him with limits, boundaries, and empathy.  I wish there was a simple solution, but I know there isn't.  We are trying to meet his physical and emotional needs as much as possible, but also setting boundaries and limits.  We also aren't afraid to ask for help, whether it be personal or professional help.  For now, I will try to enjoy his childhood as much as possible and not worry about the "what-ifs."

Becoming a working mom

It has been a month since I returned to my social work job.  I had mixed feelings about the return, but I have to be honest about something: I was mostly happy to return to work.  I say that with zero guilt.  I love my children both dearly, and am grateful for the maternity leave I was lucky enough to take.  But my workplace is luxurious (or so it feels).  I get to go to the bathroom whenever I want.  I drink hot beverages out of an open mug, and no one knocks it over.  I can talk on the phone, run errands, check e-mail.  Yes, I actually do work too. Most days I actually enjoy my job, and feel it is more than just a paycheck. That may have made the transition easier for me.
       The boys have mostly been adjusting well to the change, although I feel a twinge of resentment from big J.  We were able to arrange our schedule so that we have a nanny two days, and our MIL does one half day, I do one half day, and D does the rest.  It makes things easier that I don't have to bring them anywhere, and they are together.  Big J will see me get dressed and say "You have to work AGAIN?" I usually say yes, I feel the same way and laugh.  One day I was in the bathroom, but not on a day I had to go to work.  Little J was walking around saying "Mamma" and Big J said to him "She's not here, she's at work." 
I yelled, "I'm in here, I'm not at work!" and Big J said,"Little J, mommy's not here."
I have to admit, it broke my heart a little bit.
They do love their nanny and her 9 year-old daughter who comes over sometimes.  I miss some of the activities we used to do, and I miss getting Big J off the bus.  There is nothing like coming home to little feet running up to you screaming "Mommmy!" These boys give the best hugs.

Bragfest

This post will be dedicated to a bragfest about my kids.

Big J:

Finished his session of swimming and can go underwater without holding his nose.

Passed his belt test in karate.

Got hit by a boy at a playdate, and didn't hit back.

Wrote "I love you Mommy" on the magnadoodle and I wish I could save it forever.

Can recite parts of some books from memory, but is especially cute when he "reads" to his brother.

Went five days without a major meltdown.

Little J:

Has gained 3 pounds in 3 months.

Is saying new words like crazy. Most recently, grampy, sorry, and hat.

Figured out 3 pieces of a puzzle without help.

Wanted to use the dustbuster, and did a pretty decent job cleaning up his cheerios.

Is learning to be gentle with our kitty.

Did the low balance beam at gymnastics all by himself.

Does the motions to "wheels on the bus." It is adorable, by the way.

Honeymoon is Over

It is safe to say the honeymoon is over. Stuff has gotten real. After what I thought was a breakthrough, Big J has been challenging us every step of the way. On Monday, we had a huge meltdown at gymnastics. Which lead to me carrying him kicking and screaming to the car. Followed by more inconsolable screaming.

He has been asking more for his "Grandma" and wanting to go live there. I have to admit it is a visceral pain to hear your child call for someone else. We try to validate how he is feeling, that he misses her and gets sad. We tell him she loves him and misses him, but wanted him to have a mommy and daddy who would take care of him forever.

Big J is so jealous of little J. We try to explain that little J is littler, so some things will be different but we love them the same. I feel like some of the aggression is coming from jealousy.  He missed some of that time being taken care of as a baby.

Sometimes when I think we aren't making any progress, he says something so insightful. Last week, we has our nanny come over for a trial period. Big J said, "Next time you go to work, I am going to dump something out!" I said, "So you were mad?" He responded, "Yes! Like the sheep!"
(We are reading a book entitled Marvin Gets Mad, about a sheep with a temper.)

Yesterday, he was having a little snack as I was getting ready for my 1st day of work. His little voice says, "It's ok. You can go. I'm not gonna be mad."

Kid behavior or foster care behavior?

2 months ago, we brought home our little men. Both of us were (and still are) new parents, gifted with two walking, talking battles of energy. Now I have been working with children for a long time, have an MSW, been a therapist. But nothing could really prepare us.

D and I have started asking ourselves, "is this normal kid behavior? Or are we seeing foster child adoption behavior?"

Big J came to us with some missing puzzle pieces in his history. He has lived with his mother off and on, was removed twice,was homeless and in 5 foster homes. All before the age of 5. Little J is a little more lucky to have had more stability, and was with the same woman "Nanna" from 3 weeks old until he came to us.

Big J has had times that were -- let's leave it at challenging. His tantrums can be intense, and the first week weeks would happen multiple times per day. What we have seen is a lot of regressive behavior, especially seeing his little brother being taken care of. He wants us to dress him, wipe him, carry him, feed him, and go in the pack and play. For the most part, we have been obliging. I am starting to worry about coddling him too much . He will be in kindergarten this year, and don't want him to be the kid who can't/won't wipe himself.

The sibling rivalry part has been exhausting. They had never lived together, and we were new parents. It was an adjustment for all of us. I think the sibling rivalry stuff is mostly normal, but hopefully will calm down at some point. When will they be best friends?

Other behaviors we have seen in Big J are very hard rocking (in bed and in the car), nightmares, and hyper vigilance. He is afraid of a lot of things, but especially loud noises, bugs, and the dark. He likes to carry play-knives (such as from play-doh, the play kitchen) in his pajamas for "protection". He used to cry hysterically when he was disciplined, and when he wet himself. It makes me wonder what his consequences would be in other homes.

Last week, we had some biting (at school and home). I am hoping this is a short phase, and am thinking someone bit him. Then the universe caught up with him, and Big J got bit at a playplace. After comforting him, I reminded him he didn't like how it felt. He told me he isn't going to bite anymore.

Little J I think is just showing typical toddler behaviors, but man it happened overnight. The one thing is he does not seem to like babysitters. He gets very anxious when we leave, but especially his dada.

As hard as some days have been, there is nothing like homemade Valentines. Or seeing 4 legs run up to you when you haven't seem them in awhile (such as to you know, take a shower). Although we have given up our freedom, privacy, and sleep, I know there will be a time all too soon they will be too cool for us and we will miss having little shadows.

Termination Visit

   It has been awhile since my last update.  We have a toddler who doesn't like to sleep anymore, so my computer time has been limited.  I have been trying to be good and give up my phone addiction when I am with the boys. ;)

We had the termination visit with the boys' bio mother 2 weeks ago.  I was nervous going into it, because I knew the bio mother wanted to meet us.  Of course the night before, Little J jumped off the couch and gave himself a bump and cut above his eye.  What great timing, huh? I was worried the bio mother would make a big deal about it.  Accuse us of hurting him or not supervising him properly.

The visit went as well as can be expected for the situation.  We tried explaining things to Big J as best we could.  I don't think Little J really understands much, and his bio mother never parented him.  I don't think he even understands that is his mother.  Big J definitely does, and has more memories of her.  The social worker and Bio mother both kind of laughed off the injury, and chalked it up to J being J.

The mother was pleasant but reserved with us.  She said she wants to get us a scrapbook and her family history, but she didn't have time. I was about the change little J's diaper, because we had been in the car for 2 hours.  The social worker said the mother would do that.  I offered to leave the diaper bag and bagged lunch.  I guess the mother bring her own diapers and lunch.  She brought McDonald's happy meals for the kids, and birthday presents and cake for Little J.  I almost said no to the soda, but remembered I have to give up some control.  A little soda every so often won't kill them.  It was an odd feeling to leave them.  Big J looked at us all confused, then at his bio mother, then back at us.  We reminded him we always come back and would see him soon, and gave him a hug.

D and I went and had a peaceful lunch.  Again, it was weird having a quiet car and not towing kids and diaper bags into the restaurant.  It is funny how fast they become part of our life, our routine. I will say it was nice to take our time and be able to have an adult conversation.

When we went to pick them up, they had had a good visit.  The bio mother couldn't believe how well the boys were getting along, and how nurturing Big J was to little J.  I almost said "Really?"  Both boys were excited to see us.  I think it was hard for their bio mom to see them call someone else "Mommy." She didn't say anything, but I could see it on her face. She had given them toys and clothes.  Big J was very attached to these toys for about week, including clothes that were too small for him.  I picked my battles and let him wear his tight clothes because they were from his first mommy.

We worried if the visit would affect their behavior, but it didn't seem to.  We went to a late lunch/early dinner with the former foster parents since we were in the area. I think it helped end on a positive note.

TPR: Bittersweet

     We found out last week that the boys' mother had her rights terminated officially.  The TPR actually occured in December, but the trickle down of information took awhile with the holiday and people being on vacation.  While this was a relief for us in some way, I know it is a loss for the boys.  They do know who she is, and until 1 month before placement were having supervised visits once per week.

The boys have a termination visit with her tomorrow, and then will have two yearly visits.  I have been told she wants to meet us, which is something I am willing to do.  She says she has a scrapbook with baby pictures, and will write down her and her family's medical history.  Those will be priceless to me.  A social worker will supervise the visit, and D and I will have to leave for two hours.  This will be really hard, but it would be harder to see them call someone else "Mommy" or "Mama".

I have to admit I harbor some anger towards her.  I am angry she used substances while pregnant, but mostly that she was given three chances by the court and didn't get it together.  It makes me sad and angry that Big J was reunified home with his mother twice just to be removed again.  I wish she didn't get his hopes up in that way.  I have to remind myself that there were other systems at play that allowed this to occur as well.

On one hand I am thankful for her for giving us our boys.  She brought them into the world and gave them some qualities we love about them.  She never physically harmed them, she just wasn't able to get her own life together.  I also find myself being overprotective when other people talk negatively about her.  I certainly don't think she is a bad person.  

I am curious as to how the boys will handle the visit.  This is their first one since they have been with us, and I hope it is not overwhelming for them.  I hope they see it as their family growing rather than shrinking.  They will have two mommies, and lots of grandparents.

Attachment, Discipline, and Other Fun Stuff

    As of today, the boys have officially been with us for one month! In a way it feels like it has flown by, and in some ways it feels like, "It has only been a month? Really?"  We have already hit some major firsts and big milestones.  Both boys had their first Christmas here, and Little J turned 2 yesterday.  Big J started preschool, took a yellow bus, started karate, and swimming lessons. Both had Dr. appointments and flu shots, and Little J had his first emergency dentist appointment after getting hit in the mouth with a door. A big first that should go down in history: Big J took his 4 minute time-out without a major meltdown.  More on that later.

I have been learning that attachment and discipline go hand-in-hand.  Like the "Married with Children Song", you can't have one without the other.  Discipline was a little rough at the beginning.  We were new parents with two needy kids, who were able to walk around, get in to things, talk back, and be defiant.  The meltdowns by Big J were tough. I wondered if it would ever get better, what we were doing wrong.  I tried to walk the line between meeting their needs and making them feel secure and safe and loved, but making sure they were not total monsters. I think Big J was testing us, and making sure we would not get rid of him.

Our social worker and our foster parent classes taught us that we would likely see some regression, and that Big J would want to be babied.  We were told that with caretaking things, we should do it.  If he wanted to be rocked, carried, wiped, fed, etc. we should do it.  Big J has asked for all those things.  Sometimes we give him a choice.  "Would you like to put your shoes on, or would you like Mommy to do it?" He goes back and forth, but I have noticed he often wants to be taken care of when she sees me changing Little J's diaper or feeding him.

Some things we have not given in to.  Such as having candy for breakfast, buying that toy at the grocery store, or us picking up the toys he threw during a meltdown.  Those are wants, not needs.  My husband and I have disagreed on some aspects of what he is doing for attention, and what is a need that we should meet.  I try not to give attention to negative behavior.  But if he asked to be carried, I will carry him. Yes, I have been lugging around a 50 pound 4-year-old.  He also wants me to wipe him, and sometimes asks to be fed.  Big J told me I need to work-out and get strong so that I can still pick him up when he turns 5.  He also said, "Mommy why do you eat so much?" Who needs a personal trainer when you have the honesty of a four-year-old.

As we go through these routines, I do feel like there is definitely a bond.  They miss us when we are gone, and we miss them.  The major meltdowns are getting less often and less intense.  We have a routine, and we can tell their moods.

This is what we have been doing in terms of both discipline and attachment:

1) We refer to ourselves in third person as "mommy" and "daddy"
2) For the first month, we only used a babysitter once for a few hours. We made sure only D and I were the ones feeding, bathing, comforting them, etc. when visitors were over.
3) We made sure to have pictures of them throughout the house. They love looking at pictures.
4) Try to have a schedule and routine with waking, bath, meals, and bedtime.
5) Use time-outs, but have them in the room with us for the time-out.  They are near us and can see us, but we ignore them and don't make eye-contact or engage in conversation.
6) We get really excited when they come back from time-out/wake-up/come home from school/try a new vegetable/brush their teeth, or other daily tasks.
7. ) I would like to thank my friend who has a foster parenting blog (redhead in raleigh) for the saying: It's okay to be mad, but it's not okay to break the rules.
8) We label feelings ALL the time.  When they are mad/sad/happy, when D and I are, characters in books, or movies, the pets, etc.
9).  After a major meltdown that usually started with giving a time-out, Big J has to help us pick up the mess he made.  If he hit us or his brother with an object, or tried to play with a toy during time-out, that gets confiscated.
10).  We started a behavior chart with Big J, and it seems to be going over well.  We have 5 or 6 things on there such as "Using big boy voice, sharing, picking up toys." I made sure to include one thing he always does without a problem (feed the pets).  He gets a sticker for each thing that day he did well, and an unhappy face for things he needs to work on.  He loves going over the chart every day.  Never underestimate the power of a sticker.  We have a reward where 5 days of stickers = special one-on-one time with Mommy or Daddy.  Last week, it was Dunkin' Donuts.

Things are getting better, as evidenced by Big J actually taking a time-out yesterday.  That was huge.  I think D and I are started to get into a parenting groove.

These are some books that have been helpful.  Don't try to follow them all.  They contradict each other, and you will go crazy.  Take the tools or ideas that work for you, or at least take some comfort in the fact that you are not the first parent that has struggled.

I Love You Rituals
 The Happiest Toddler on the Block
The Connected Child
Love and Logic for Early Childhood

Foster Parent Gifts

    I had been debating what to get the two "Nana's" for our sons.  Little J was with his Nana (foster parent) since he was three weeks old.  She cared for him while he weaned from methadone.  She saw him meet many milestones, and worked with Early Intervention.  She has helped him become the sweet little boy he is now. I hear she has cared for many babies over the years with special medical needs.  Big J was with his "Nana" and "Voo Voo" for over a year.  When he came to them, he was a very hurt little boy, who had been shuffled around.  They helped him heal, they potty trained him, and helped him in school.  The move was hard on big J, and he asks for them a lot.  Both ladies are very sweet, but just knew solely because of their age they could not adopt the boys.
    I thought what, if anything, do you get for the people who cared for your children and raised them for the early years of their life?  I did give them Christmas cards with a long message inside.  I was careful not to include the family picture, because I thought it would be to soon.  I decided to get something about taking care of children. One of my graphic design friends made this:

I plan on matting and framing it and giving it to them at Little J's birthday party this weekend.
Thank you to Michelle for the design!!

Saying Goodbye to a Pet

     As foster parents/pre-adoptive parents, we are supposed to be experts in loss.  Each child has already experienced loss in some way.  In our case, Big J had been in 5 foster homes in his short life, reunified with his mother and then removed 3 times, and had one foster parent pass away.  Little J was moved to us after being with his foster mom since he was 3 weeks old.
    When they came to us, it was certainly an adjustment.  I will say having pets is a nice icebreaker and comforting to kids.  Big J liked to help feed the kitties and the bunny, and play with toys with them.  One of our brave cats will sit near him and let them pet him.  Having kids feed the pets (obviously with supervision) is a way to get the pets to like the kids. The bunny would let the kids pet him until little J grabbed him by the ear.
    3 weeks after the children were placed with us, we noticed one night our little bunny Dexter was breathing funny.  It was almost as if he were choking or about to throw up.  He wouldn't eat his food.  Big J looked at me and said "Is he gonna die?" I said "Mommy will bring him to the doctor, he just doesn't feel good."
     We out big J to bed and I took the bunny to the after-hours vet.  They said bunnies are not their specialty, but they would see what they could do.  I told them they need to save this bunny or we will have very sad kids.  They sent us home, saying it was an upper-respiratory infection.  They gave us antibiotics and liquid nutrients.  We came home, and gave him his medicine.  I checked on him in the middle of the night when I woke up because Big J was having a nightmare. He had passed away. :(

I woke up D and told him.  We didn't want the kids to find him like that. I had a moment when I considered checking the shelters for a black and white bunny.  But then I realized that wouldn't be right.

The next morning, My mother-in-law came over so we could have Bunny cremated.  I got a book from the library - The Berenstein Bears Lose a Friend. I found  a frame to get a framed picture of the bunny.

Big J was sad when we told him the news, but then wanted to go play.  Kids are resilient like that.  But then he would ask us why the bunny left and that he wanted us to find him.  I think he will get it eventually.  That day, one of our cats was meowing all day and big J would ask me why.  I said "I think he is sad because he misses the bunny." The next day the kitty was sitting on the bench, and Big J took a stuffed animal bunny and put it next to the kitty.  I asked why, and he sad "So the kitty won't be sad." 

How sweet are my boys? Well, most of the time.

Cute Things my Kids Say and Do

In attempt to stay positive and also document this stuff, here is a list of cute things our kids say and do:

Little J:

1) Likes to give big hugs and kisses.
2) Gets so excited he almost hyperventilates when Thomas or Elmo come on TV.
3). Squee's with delight when he sees our kitty, or "kiki."
4.) Cracks himself up by flushing the toilet or knocking something over and screaming "Uh Oh".
5) Taps us on the shoulder when he wants something.
6) A slide is the funnest thing ever to him.

Big J

1) Says "dude" and "awkward", which he got from Spiderman.
2) If he breaks something, he says, "It's ok., I'll buy you a new one."
3.) If we say he is too little to do something (like touch the stove), he always says "Okay, I will when I turn 5.
4.) He is very imaginative and gullible.  I can translate what the kitty says, the ninja turtles live in our sewer, Thomas goes down the railroad tracks, and my friend G works for the tooth fairy.
5). Says out of the blue "I like you."
6.) When he meets someone new he says," I like them. Can we go back a-morrow? Two times.