Kid behavior or foster care behavior?

2 months ago, we brought home our little men. Both of us were (and still are) new parents, gifted with two walking, talking battles of energy. Now I have been working with children for a long time, have an MSW, been a therapist. But nothing could really prepare us.

D and I have started asking ourselves, "is this normal kid behavior? Or are we seeing foster child adoption behavior?"

Big J came to us with some missing puzzle pieces in his history. He has lived with his mother off and on, was removed twice,was homeless and in 5 foster homes. All before the age of 5. Little J is a little more lucky to have had more stability, and was with the same woman "Nanna" from 3 weeks old until he came to us.

Big J has had times that were -- let's leave it at challenging. His tantrums can be intense, and the first week weeks would happen multiple times per day. What we have seen is a lot of regressive behavior, especially seeing his little brother being taken care of. He wants us to dress him, wipe him, carry him, feed him, and go in the pack and play. For the most part, we have been obliging. I am starting to worry about coddling him too much . He will be in kindergarten this year, and don't want him to be the kid who can't/won't wipe himself.

The sibling rivalry part has been exhausting. They had never lived together, and we were new parents. It was an adjustment for all of us. I think the sibling rivalry stuff is mostly normal, but hopefully will calm down at some point. When will they be best friends?

Other behaviors we have seen in Big J are very hard rocking (in bed and in the car), nightmares, and hyper vigilance. He is afraid of a lot of things, but especially loud noises, bugs, and the dark. He likes to carry play-knives (such as from play-doh, the play kitchen) in his pajamas for "protection". He used to cry hysterically when he was disciplined, and when he wet himself. It makes me wonder what his consequences would be in other homes.

Last week, we had some biting (at school and home). I am hoping this is a short phase, and am thinking someone bit him. Then the universe caught up with him, and Big J got bit at a playplace. After comforting him, I reminded him he didn't like how it felt. He told me he isn't going to bite anymore.

Little J I think is just showing typical toddler behaviors, but man it happened overnight. The one thing is he does not seem to like babysitters. He gets very anxious when we leave, but especially his dada.

As hard as some days have been, there is nothing like homemade Valentines. Or seeing 4 legs run up to you when you haven't seem them in awhile (such as to you know, take a shower). Although we have given up our freedom, privacy, and sleep, I know there will be a time all too soon they will be too cool for us and we will miss having little shadows.

Termination Visit

   It has been awhile since my last update.  We have a toddler who doesn't like to sleep anymore, so my computer time has been limited.  I have been trying to be good and give up my phone addiction when I am with the boys. ;)

We had the termination visit with the boys' bio mother 2 weeks ago.  I was nervous going into it, because I knew the bio mother wanted to meet us.  Of course the night before, Little J jumped off the couch and gave himself a bump and cut above his eye.  What great timing, huh? I was worried the bio mother would make a big deal about it.  Accuse us of hurting him or not supervising him properly.

The visit went as well as can be expected for the situation.  We tried explaining things to Big J as best we could.  I don't think Little J really understands much, and his bio mother never parented him.  I don't think he even understands that is his mother.  Big J definitely does, and has more memories of her.  The social worker and Bio mother both kind of laughed off the injury, and chalked it up to J being J.

The mother was pleasant but reserved with us.  She said she wants to get us a scrapbook and her family history, but she didn't have time. I was about the change little J's diaper, because we had been in the car for 2 hours.  The social worker said the mother would do that.  I offered to leave the diaper bag and bagged lunch.  I guess the mother bring her own diapers and lunch.  She brought McDonald's happy meals for the kids, and birthday presents and cake for Little J.  I almost said no to the soda, but remembered I have to give up some control.  A little soda every so often won't kill them.  It was an odd feeling to leave them.  Big J looked at us all confused, then at his bio mother, then back at us.  We reminded him we always come back and would see him soon, and gave him a hug.

D and I went and had a peaceful lunch.  Again, it was weird having a quiet car and not towing kids and diaper bags into the restaurant.  It is funny how fast they become part of our life, our routine. I will say it was nice to take our time and be able to have an adult conversation.

When we went to pick them up, they had had a good visit.  The bio mother couldn't believe how well the boys were getting along, and how nurturing Big J was to little J.  I almost said "Really?"  Both boys were excited to see us.  I think it was hard for their bio mom to see them call someone else "Mommy." She didn't say anything, but I could see it on her face. She had given them toys and clothes.  Big J was very attached to these toys for about week, including clothes that were too small for him.  I picked my battles and let him wear his tight clothes because they were from his first mommy.

We worried if the visit would affect their behavior, but it didn't seem to.  We went to a late lunch/early dinner with the former foster parents since we were in the area. I think it helped end on a positive note.