Attachment, Discipline, and Other Fun Stuff

    As of today, the boys have officially been with us for one month! In a way it feels like it has flown by, and in some ways it feels like, "It has only been a month? Really?"  We have already hit some major firsts and big milestones.  Both boys had their first Christmas here, and Little J turned 2 yesterday.  Big J started preschool, took a yellow bus, started karate, and swimming lessons. Both had Dr. appointments and flu shots, and Little J had his first emergency dentist appointment after getting hit in the mouth with a door. A big first that should go down in history: Big J took his 4 minute time-out without a major meltdown.  More on that later.

I have been learning that attachment and discipline go hand-in-hand.  Like the "Married with Children Song", you can't have one without the other.  Discipline was a little rough at the beginning.  We were new parents with two needy kids, who were able to walk around, get in to things, talk back, and be defiant.  The meltdowns by Big J were tough. I wondered if it would ever get better, what we were doing wrong.  I tried to walk the line between meeting their needs and making them feel secure and safe and loved, but making sure they were not total monsters. I think Big J was testing us, and making sure we would not get rid of him.

Our social worker and our foster parent classes taught us that we would likely see some regression, and that Big J would want to be babied.  We were told that with caretaking things, we should do it.  If he wanted to be rocked, carried, wiped, fed, etc. we should do it.  Big J has asked for all those things.  Sometimes we give him a choice.  "Would you like to put your shoes on, or would you like Mommy to do it?" He goes back and forth, but I have noticed he often wants to be taken care of when she sees me changing Little J's diaper or feeding him.

Some things we have not given in to.  Such as having candy for breakfast, buying that toy at the grocery store, or us picking up the toys he threw during a meltdown.  Those are wants, not needs.  My husband and I have disagreed on some aspects of what he is doing for attention, and what is a need that we should meet.  I try not to give attention to negative behavior.  But if he asked to be carried, I will carry him. Yes, I have been lugging around a 50 pound 4-year-old.  He also wants me to wipe him, and sometimes asks to be fed.  Big J told me I need to work-out and get strong so that I can still pick him up when he turns 5.  He also said, "Mommy why do you eat so much?" Who needs a personal trainer when you have the honesty of a four-year-old.

As we go through these routines, I do feel like there is definitely a bond.  They miss us when we are gone, and we miss them.  The major meltdowns are getting less often and less intense.  We have a routine, and we can tell their moods.

This is what we have been doing in terms of both discipline and attachment:

1) We refer to ourselves in third person as "mommy" and "daddy"
2) For the first month, we only used a babysitter once for a few hours. We made sure only D and I were the ones feeding, bathing, comforting them, etc. when visitors were over.
3) We made sure to have pictures of them throughout the house. They love looking at pictures.
4) Try to have a schedule and routine with waking, bath, meals, and bedtime.
5) Use time-outs, but have them in the room with us for the time-out.  They are near us and can see us, but we ignore them and don't make eye-contact or engage in conversation.
6) We get really excited when they come back from time-out/wake-up/come home from school/try a new vegetable/brush their teeth, or other daily tasks.
7. ) I would like to thank my friend who has a foster parenting blog (redhead in raleigh) for the saying: It's okay to be mad, but it's not okay to break the rules.
8) We label feelings ALL the time.  When they are mad/sad/happy, when D and I are, characters in books, or movies, the pets, etc.
9).  After a major meltdown that usually started with giving a time-out, Big J has to help us pick up the mess he made.  If he hit us or his brother with an object, or tried to play with a toy during time-out, that gets confiscated.
10).  We started a behavior chart with Big J, and it seems to be going over well.  We have 5 or 6 things on there such as "Using big boy voice, sharing, picking up toys." I made sure to include one thing he always does without a problem (feed the pets).  He gets a sticker for each thing that day he did well, and an unhappy face for things he needs to work on.  He loves going over the chart every day.  Never underestimate the power of a sticker.  We have a reward where 5 days of stickers = special one-on-one time with Mommy or Daddy.  Last week, it was Dunkin' Donuts.

Things are getting better, as evidenced by Big J actually taking a time-out yesterday.  That was huge.  I think D and I are started to get into a parenting groove.

These are some books that have been helpful.  Don't try to follow them all.  They contradict each other, and you will go crazy.  Take the tools or ideas that work for you, or at least take some comfort in the fact that you are not the first parent that has struggled.

I Love You Rituals
 The Happiest Toddler on the Block
The Connected Child
Love and Logic for Early Childhood