Adventures in parenting

I sit here sipping chai while the kids play at an indoor savior, I mean playplace. My sweet boys certainly have a lot of energy. They are fearless, and need physical outlets. We got to play outside in the snow today, which they just loved. D and I loved it too.

To be honest here, some days have been really hard. Big J has had some pretty decent tantrums and Little J is a mini hurricane. On Christmas Eve, I almost cried. I thought of how long we had wanted this, what we put into getting is. I felt like I didn't have a right to complain, and should just be grateful. I think ithers who have adopted or had IF or both have thought this too. Isn't this what I asked for?I have learned I still have selfish tendencies. I need me time. Sometimes I want to pee or shower without a toddler asking what I am doing. Or not watch the same kid's movie for the millionth time when we have a huge library of DVD's.

It has been an adjustment for all of us. But the boys are really amazing kids. Big J now says dude all the time thanks to me calling him "my little dude." And maybe it was in Nemo. He also says "Awkward" which he learned from Spiderman. I can't wait until he uses it in the perfect situation. He will also say out of the blue "I like you." And we say, "We like you too. And we love you. Someday he will say it back.

I try to explain adoption to Big J the best I can. That he has two mommies, and one he was in her belly but she couldn't take care of him. Now his mommy and daddy will take care of him forever. We have read this book a couple times (purchased by friends Mary and Jill):

I think it is starting to sink in.

I must post this adorable picture of the two boys and our kitty watching daddy shovel:

The good, the bad, and the really really cute

It is day 7, and we all survived. Exhausted, but survived. The week has been full of great moments, frustrating moments, and adorable, melt-your heart moments.

Things I have learned:

1) Always bring extra clothes.
2) Indoor playplaces are your friend.
3) Adult's drinks should have lids too.
4) Alone time is mandatory.
5) Kid's shows and movies are pretty funny.

We have had some pretty tough temper tantrums by Big J. Usually prompted by little J taking something from him, or us doing something mean like making hom wear a coat or wash his hands. Sometimes it takes him a really long time to calm down. We hope these will decrease once he learns more coping skills, and learns tantrums are not effective.

We have also seen regressive behavior in in Big J. He talks baby talk, wants us to dress him and wipe him. Then at times he will insist on doing it himself. This is normal preschool behavior, especially for foster and adoption.

We have had some really nice moments that make it all worth it. Big J tries to make Little J laugh. Little J likes to say "up@ and get picked up. Big J has said out of the blue "I like you." And we overheard him saying to another child at a playplace, "I have a new house ya know. You can come. And my mommy and daddy are very nice."

It is awesome to see their faces get so excited. We made a video on portable north pole from Santa, and Big Jwas in awe. And Little J lost it when he saw Thomas on our big screen.

Just one more week of D being home with me, and then I am on my own. Agghhh!

Our First Night as a Family

I wanted to squeeze in this blog post while the little guy is napping.  We had our first night as a family, and I never want to forget this feeling.  We had to pick up the boys around 11 am, and go to their foster home.  Big J's foster mom was sobbing and taking it really hard.  Big J was going back and forth between I want to stay with "Grandma" and I want to go with "New Mommy and Daddy." The social worker was there, and the foster family had a lot of family members there that wanted to say bye to him.  They were trying to hug him, and he was yelling "Shut Up".  I think it was overwhelming for him, and looking back they maybe shouldn't have had so many people there. He got in the car holding his Daddy's hand, and we left to go get this little bro.

The pick-up for Little J was a little smoother.  Apparently he had been asking for "Dada" all morning.  When we walked in, he ran right up to D! His foster mother was teary, but holding it together.  She said she knew this day would come, but she doesn't think she can take babies anymore.  We loaded up the car for the 2 hr drive home.

Little J napped in the car, but big J did not.  He was a little whiny.  The Nook color has been a lifesaver for the car.  He picked up on how to use it really fast.

We made it home, and the home turned into a toy zone really fast.  The night went well, and it felt good to be a family.  Big J was a little whiny and is definitely a fussy eater.  We will also have to teach sharing a little better.  There is no way they can have separate toys in a house of two boys.  I loved seeing them together, just being normal brothers playing. And fighting.  Big J can be very sweet, and will sometimes (I repeat sometimes) share with him and comfort him if he cries. Before this, their interactions were at supervised visits with their mother in a visitation center or DCF office.  It makes me sad they never lived together, and even played at each other's foster home like normal kids.

I love seeing them with D.  These boys needed a Daddy.  Little J is his little shadow. And Big J loves to find out what he's doing.  There is nothing like seeing your husband be a father. 

I love taking care of them.  I love changing them, helping them when they are sad, cooking for them. We may be in for a hard road once the honeymoon wears off, but for now I am just soaking it in and enjoying it.

We actually had a power outage last night.  Luckily Little J was already sleep.  The power was out for about an hour. We got out the flashlights, read books, and played with the Nook.  J was a little scared, but grabbed his pirate sword and said he would "keep me safe from the monsters." We promised every night would not be like this.

It is another crappy day here, so after lunch we will head to an indoor play place.

So Much Has Happened

Hopefully I won't neglect our children the way I have this blog.  So much has happened.  Eeek!
Here's a quick recap:

Friday, Nov 30th: We got official approval.  And a date.  I was in a training at the time, and could not contain my excitement.

Saturday, December 1st: Our shower.  It was amazing, and glad we did not cancel or postpone it.

Sunday December 2nd: Our second visit with the boys

Wednesday December 5th: Our first family outing to McDonald's and the playground. Jesse called us both Mommy and Daddy.  We melted.

The rest of the week: I shopped like a maniac.  We finished the rooms and gathered necessities. 

Saturday December 8th: Our first overnight! It was amazing.  They seem really comfortable in our home. Big J only asked for his Nana twice.  Little J refused to nap, but we chalked it up to too much excitement.  We had to take them back to their foster homes, but we get to visit them on Wednesday again. Big J calls Little J "my baby" all the time, which I think is adorable.
"Where's my baby?"   "Why is my baby not sleeping?"    "Can my baby come?"

I think D is starting to learn we will have a messy house.

Long 2 Weeks

This has been a long two weeks.  2 weeks ago, I got the call. We needed to wait.  No visiting, no approval.  Just more waiting.  I have talked to everyone under the sun that could offer guidance.  I called Central Office.  Was told pretty much, "don't call us.  We will call you."  I am trying to stay positive, but with each day am becoming more and more impatient and more and more resentful of this agency I work for. My life is in their hands.  These boys' lives, like so many many other children across the state, are in their hands.

I relate much of my life to movie quotes.  One of my faves is When Harry Met Sally. Aside from the fabulous fake orgasm scene is a great line by Billy Crystal --"When you decide who you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

We have met our boys and we fell for them. And we want the rest of our life to start as soon as possible.

Extended Family and Friends

We are trying to prepare as best as possible for the boys, and make it as smooth of a transition as it can be.  We have read a great deal on the subject of attachment.  This is especially important to children coming from foster care.  I will be taking a 2.5 month maternity leave, and D will take 2 weeks. Part of the process is also explaining how things will go with extended family.  It is important that they attach to us first, and extended family and friends will come later.

This is a modified version of an e-mail I sent out:

1) For the 1st 1 or 2 months, D and I need to be the only ones to take care of the boys.  This means feeding, changing, comforting them, picking them up.  They need to attach to us. Of course it is ok to talk with them, play with them, or hug them.  We also aren't supposed to use a sitter for the 1st month. Please don't be offended if you ask to come over or invite us over and we say no (But still ask). We have been told to "build a cocoon around our house."

2) For the first month or so, visits will need to be short.  And we will need to limit it to 2 - 3 people at a time.

3) I can't put their pictures on Facebook right away.  This is for confidentiality purposes.  This will be tough, because I know I want to show them off and you will too.  I will probably create a password protected site on Shutterfly or something I can update and share with you.

4) Please do not share their birth history, foster care history etc. with everyone.  They do not need to know.  In the same respect, please do not speak negatively about their birth parents. They will pick up on this.

5) Keep in mind they will probably miss their foster parents a lot.  They may ask for them.  This may be a tough transition.  They also may have picked up some difficult behaviors.  These were for survival and coping and served a purpose at one time.

Thank you for reading and keeping these in mind.

I got a positive response from sending this out, and people seem to be understanding.  I was worried it was come across as stand-offish, or condescending.   

We've hit a speed bump

If you recall from my last post, D & I were on cloud nine after meeting our boys last weekend.  We instantly fell for them and could not wait to see them again.  We scheduled two times this week to see them again, and I planned on getting my visitation schedule approved and maternity leave.  Tuesday morning, I get a call from my social worker.  Apparently, we were supposed to have requested prior approval before holding a disclosure meeting and first meeting.   Central Office in Boston needs to approve the match to ensure there is no conflict of interest or I did not going about finding J & J in an unethical way.

To give a little background, it used to be not so difficult for DCF social workers to adopt.  The story goes that someone or many someone's complained that DCF workers were "cherry-picking" babies.  There is even a myth out there that social workers were removing children just so that they or their friends could adopt them.  This sounds a little absurd to me. Trust me, removing children is the last thing we want to do.  I think there should not be any barriers to a child going to a safe permanent home.  The social worker for the children should get to choose from the best possible pool of applicants.  Maybe that happens to be a social worker, or maybe not.

Needless to say, we were devastated.  We were so looking forward to seeing them again.  My main worry was that we told four-year-old J that we were coming back.  It saddened me to think that he might think we weren't coming because we didn't like him or want him. I called the foster parents, and they assured me the children don't really understand anyway, and especially time and days of the week.

We finally felt like there was progress, and then our hopes were sunk.  My social worker assures me this will be approved, it is just a matter of when.  They are not going to find a conflict of interest.  I am really hoping it will still be before Christmas.  I am hoping we may even be able to keep our date of 12/12/12.

In the meantime, we are still plugging along trying to get things ready.  I had the car seats installed at the police station.  The grandmothers are throwing together a shower.  And we finally got the crib together for little J. (Okay, D and father-in-law put it together after much swearing).

Please hope and pray that we will get the go ahead this week to resume visitation and set an official date! I am hoping that whoever the higher-up is up in Boston will be in the Christmas spirit, and want these boys placed together in a forever home before the Holidays.

D and I both took a couple days to get over the anger and sadness.  We are now trying to see this as a little speed bump.  They are still our boys.  And they will be home with us.  I found it fitting that my favorite non-profit Rise Above displayed this quotation on their FB page today:

 “Even if things don't unfold the way you expected, don't be disheartened or give up. One who continues to advance will win in the end.”- Daisaku Ikeda